what his son wrote on facebook
"To My "Biological Father"A Sudden burst of texts messages do not suffice for a lack of a childhood,while you were busy running around fixing the messes you've made. I was growing up. If you really wanted to, you could have been in my life as much as you wanted. You never fought for me and that's all i really wanted, but you understand that. I waited years for you to step up and be a father. Now, I'm a man and you probably wouldn't even recognize me if i was walking down the street. You don't know me and you probably never will. Piss off & have a wonderful Fathers day ."
i wish i could have gotten to know him better. i actually feel love for this kid, although i had only met him once. i guess it was because he was the offspring of someone i love so much... not a feeling i am used to, seeing as none of my family have children yet, but a feeling that i embrace and find beautiful.
(this recalls a memory of the night before i was going to meet him. the bf told me "if you fall in love with my son i'll kill myself." later he told me that he had said that in jest. i don't believe him. he actually thought i was going to fall in love with his son, who was 17 at the time. which of course made me terrified that i might say something that would be misconstrued as flirtatious. no wonder i was so nervous about meeting him...)
i wrote to my (ex?)boyfriend's son, telling him that he is not the cause of his father's apathy and negative behavior. also told him that i was pissed that he never fought for his kid, or for me, for that matter.
i also wrote to the man himself, telling him i was not going to pretend anymore that he didn't have a problem. and that he owes me an apology for the cruel things he has said, for his secrecy, for his disappearances, for his control. and then maybe we can talk about the things he expects from me.
i didn't mention his son, but i told him that there are people that love him and want to be in his life, and that if he could recognize their feelings he might stop driving them away. i told him that i was not referring only to myself.
pretty much i just can't stop crying. and i feel like part of him has died. and part of me as well. at the very least, i can feel and express these emotions now in a space where i don't have to be afraid of sending him into another raging episode, adding insult to injury.
...i don't blame him for having a disorder. i am not even sure if i can even blame him for not being able to admit to having a problem, depending upon how severe it may be. yet a part of me KNOWS FOR CERTAIN that he knows that it is not ok to drag me out of the bed by the ankles, that it is not ok to call me a whore and a slut, that it is not ok to disappear for days without contact and without telling me where he is (and then come back and make up and pretend everything is better), that is is not ok to tear down the bathroom in a rage while i am showering, that it is not ok to burst into the bedroom at 3am in a drunken rage asking me if i want to fuck some guy, that it is not ok to accuse me of trying to make myself available to other men just because my shirt shows a little cleavage, and that, ultimately, it is not ok to blame me for his emotional instability. and i need to remember that this behavior is not ok, as well. because my love for him gives me amnesia and poor judgment. or gave me... i DID move out.
i wish i could have gotten to know him better. i actually feel love for this kid, although i had only met him once. i guess it was because he was the offspring of someone i love so much... not a feeling i am used to, seeing as none of my family have children yet, but a feeling that i embrace and find beautiful.
(this recalls a memory of the night before i was going to meet him. the bf told me "if you fall in love with my son i'll kill myself." later he told me that he had said that in jest. i don't believe him. he actually thought i was going to fall in love with his son, who was 17 at the time. which of course made me terrified that i might say something that would be misconstrued as flirtatious. no wonder i was so nervous about meeting him...)
i wrote to my (ex?)boyfriend's son, telling him that he is not the cause of his father's apathy and negative behavior. also told him that i was pissed that he never fought for his kid, or for me, for that matter.
i also wrote to the man himself, telling him i was not going to pretend anymore that he didn't have a problem. and that he owes me an apology for the cruel things he has said, for his secrecy, for his disappearances, for his control. and then maybe we can talk about the things he expects from me.
i didn't mention his son, but i told him that there are people that love him and want to be in his life, and that if he could recognize their feelings he might stop driving them away. i told him that i was not referring only to myself.
pretty much i just can't stop crying. and i feel like part of him has died. and part of me as well. at the very least, i can feel and express these emotions now in a space where i don't have to be afraid of sending him into another raging episode, adding insult to injury.
...i don't blame him for having a disorder. i am not even sure if i can even blame him for not being able to admit to having a problem, depending upon how severe it may be. yet a part of me KNOWS FOR CERTAIN that he knows that it is not ok to drag me out of the bed by the ankles, that it is not ok to call me a whore and a slut, that it is not ok to disappear for days without contact and without telling me where he is (and then come back and make up and pretend everything is better), that is is not ok to tear down the bathroom in a rage while i am showering, that it is not ok to burst into the bedroom at 3am in a drunken rage asking me if i want to fuck some guy, that it is not ok to accuse me of trying to make myself available to other men just because my shirt shows a little cleavage, and that, ultimately, it is not ok to blame me for his emotional instability. and i need to remember that this behavior is not ok, as well. because my love for him gives me amnesia and poor judgment. or gave me... i DID move out.
Replies