what do i want?
i really need to talk to him. but i don't know what to say.
things i would like to see stop:
telling me he's leaving when we get into a big explosion
blaming (which he has been improving a little)
the really big fights
the name-calling
so what do i have to own here?
i feel... hurt when he calls me insulting names in anger. i would like that to stop. i think that the best thing to do during these times is to walk away and get some space. i am just going to tell him that i don't like what he has just said to me, maybe even that i don't feel i deserve it, and that i need to stop the talk and restart when i feel less affected by these words.
i feel hurt when he questions my love; it makes me feel invalidated, as though what i feel is something i have to reconsider, even though it is just a strong feeling inside me that knows no words or explanations.
when he expresses his anxiety about the way i dress or how i have relations with other men, i feel like my integrity is being questioned. i don't like feeling this way, because i know that i am strongly committed to him. it feels insulting. what kind of a feeling is insulted? anger? because i don't feel self-doubt about my devotion. is that invalidation yet again? maybe it's just my problem that his anxiety and distrust and fear is insulting. maybe i just need to work that out on my own. but i still need to let him know that the feeling is there. if he understands it, maybe he will be more sensitive to it. and i would like for him to use this understanding to limit his efforts to control situations by laying down his idea of a rule. perhaps instead we could discuss and compromise, instead of having him tell me to do something for him, me doing it, and having me end up feeling resentful for agreeing to something i feel is unfair. wow, good owning there, bananna.
i still am very careful when i talk, not to say something that i think will set him off. i do this because i am afraid that i will trigger a reaction from him, one that will be painful and frightening for me. that sounds selfish, i know, to be protecting only myself. i am also learning more what topics should be off limits, and what topics i can talk about with some degree of freedom. but i am under the impression that, depending on his degree of vulnerability at any certain time, he may be more susceptible to feeling hurt or misinterpreting something i am talking about. as i learn more when it is ok to say what, i will still, always, run the risk of saying something that may upset him. i don't want to pretend everything is hunky dory while inside i am stressed that he may get triggered. my hope is that he can understand that i AM being careful and considerate, but that if i say something that upsets him almost always it will not be intentional or careless. maybe he could tell me something like "i don't feel comfortable hearing about that" and i can drop it. so the feeling here is stress.
things i would like to see stop:
telling me he's leaving when we get into a big explosion
blaming (which he has been improving a little)
the really big fights
the name-calling
so what do i have to own here?
i feel... hurt when he calls me insulting names in anger. i would like that to stop. i think that the best thing to do during these times is to walk away and get some space. i am just going to tell him that i don't like what he has just said to me, maybe even that i don't feel i deserve it, and that i need to stop the talk and restart when i feel less affected by these words.
i feel hurt when he questions my love; it makes me feel invalidated, as though what i feel is something i have to reconsider, even though it is just a strong feeling inside me that knows no words or explanations.
when he expresses his anxiety about the way i dress or how i have relations with other men, i feel like my integrity is being questioned. i don't like feeling this way, because i know that i am strongly committed to him. it feels insulting. what kind of a feeling is insulted? anger? because i don't feel self-doubt about my devotion. is that invalidation yet again? maybe it's just my problem that his anxiety and distrust and fear is insulting. maybe i just need to work that out on my own. but i still need to let him know that the feeling is there. if he understands it, maybe he will be more sensitive to it. and i would like for him to use this understanding to limit his efforts to control situations by laying down his idea of a rule. perhaps instead we could discuss and compromise, instead of having him tell me to do something for him, me doing it, and having me end up feeling resentful for agreeing to something i feel is unfair. wow, good owning there, bananna.
i still am very careful when i talk, not to say something that i think will set him off. i do this because i am afraid that i will trigger a reaction from him, one that will be painful and frightening for me. that sounds selfish, i know, to be protecting only myself. i am also learning more what topics should be off limits, and what topics i can talk about with some degree of freedom. but i am under the impression that, depending on his degree of vulnerability at any certain time, he may be more susceptible to feeling hurt or misinterpreting something i am talking about. as i learn more when it is ok to say what, i will still, always, run the risk of saying something that may upset him. i don't want to pretend everything is hunky dory while inside i am stressed that he may get triggered. my hope is that he can understand that i AM being careful and considerate, but that if i say something that upsets him almost always it will not be intentional or careless. maybe he could tell me something like "i don't feel comfortable hearing about that" and i can drop it. so the feeling here is stress.
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