what am i?

am i liberated or am i longing?
am i free of headache and full of heartache, or free of heartache yet full of heartache?
is he gone forever, or just gone for now?
what hurts the most is that magic that we felt in the beginning. it seemed so fucking real. it still is real for me, but i am beginning to doubt the reality for him. it was a passing thing. i was idealized. now i am not. in the meantime, i, one who doesn't follow that same pattern as he does when i get into relationships, get stuck still being as certain of my love as i was when i first knew i loved him. i am very proud and i don't want to admit that he may not love me as much as he used to. but i may have to...
i wanted so badly for him to be the one. his mom wanted so badly for me to be the one. maybe he even wanted so badly for me to be the one, but he isn't even capable of obtaining the one because his ideals are unmatchable. or maybe i am the fucking ONE because nobody else would ever work this hard to  understand him because she loves him so much, but he really, truly, is incapable of being in this relationship.
i wanna say fuck my life and fuck my heart but the truth is i'm very proud of both of them. if only they weren't so full of pain...
and then i wonder, and with so much guilt for doing so, what it would be like to get off of this roller coaster and leave it behind. what it would be like to heal from this experience. at the very, VERY least, i can say that i would have left it a much stronger, braver, kinder, and more compassionate person than i ever have been before...