What am I doing...
Hi Sisters,
There are a lot of things I have to be grateful for...things I am proud of...but not this. I have a really hard time keeping appointments, staying on any kind of schedule. I was supposed to start a new art class tonight...as the day progressed I got more nervous...thinking it will be dark when the class is over...I really don't need to be spending a lot of money, it is an expensive class. So anyway, I texted the instructor that I won't be there. It felt horrible and I am too much of a coward to call and speak to him, I have already signed up and cancelled twice before. I thought it was bad enough, then he texted me back and asked what was going on...sigh...I don't know this man, he doesn't know my situation, probably just thinks I am a bored, flaky housewife. I am flaky...and he called me out on it instead of just letting it go. I haven't answered the text but I feel like the phone is glaring at me...not literally, I am not that far gone yet. The phone is not staring at me, but I feel like it is.
I have an appointment with the optometrist Wednesday. My husband is going with me so there is a higher chance that I will keep the appointment. I have to get a new prescription, I need to buy contact lens. I go to by psychiatrist appointments because I KNOW I have to have my medication. Plus...I am very comfortable with him and his wife, who works as his receptionist.
I want to get better...I want to do better...I have to or I will not be able to work again and I am going to need to work by the first of next year. Please be honest with me...am I just lazy?? or spoiled?? Or maybe more emotional or mental issues than I am aware of?? Whatever it is I have GOT to get it together soon and I am terrified I won't be able to.
There are a lot of things I have to be grateful for...things I am proud of...but not this. I have a really hard time keeping appointments, staying on any kind of schedule. I was supposed to start a new art class tonight...as the day progressed I got more nervous...thinking it will be dark when the class is over...I really don't need to be spending a lot of money, it is an expensive class. So anyway, I texted the instructor that I won't be there. It felt horrible and I am too much of a coward to call and speak to him, I have already signed up and cancelled twice before. I thought it was bad enough, then he texted me back and asked what was going on...sigh...I don't know this man, he doesn't know my situation, probably just thinks I am a bored, flaky housewife. I am flaky...and he called me out on it instead of just letting it go. I haven't answered the text but I feel like the phone is glaring at me...not literally, I am not that far gone yet. The phone is not staring at me, but I feel like it is.
I have an appointment with the optometrist Wednesday. My husband is going with me so there is a higher chance that I will keep the appointment. I have to get a new prescription, I need to buy contact lens. I go to by psychiatrist appointments because I KNOW I have to have my medication. Plus...I am very comfortable with him and his wife, who works as his receptionist.
I want to get better...I want to do better...I have to or I will not be able to work again and I am going to need to work by the first of next year. Please be honest with me...am I just lazy?? or spoiled?? Or maybe more emotional or mental issues than I am aware of?? Whatever it is I have GOT to get it together soon and I am terrified I won't be able to.
Replies
I hear you Gina. I couldn\'t keep appointments either. I sent Joe to get me a new mask for my CPAP - I kept my appointment - 4 years late (I am supposed to visit yearly).
One step at a time. I think the art class could be very therapeutic. Would your husband consider driving you and picking you up? Just a thought. I say that because my son releases emotion through art. His paintings are heartbreaking at times. But he feels better once he has done it.
Please don\'t beat yourself up. The uncertainty and lost feeling is part and parcel of this rotten journey. If you feel you must explain yourself, I would just say that you are dealing with family stuff right now. If you want to explain further, go for it but you don\'t need to. You can text him if that is easier.
Hang in my friend.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Gina, I think you\'re doing just what you need to do right now. You have been through probably one of the worst experiences a mother can - no wonder you feel flaky or whatever else. Nothing is how it is supposed to be. Perhaps you\'re just not ready for the art class yet - maybe you will be down the road. Either way, if it doesn\'t feel right for you now, then it isn\'t. Sounds like you will be making your other appointments though, so that\'s great! Take care of yourself ~ Joanna x
Dear Gina I i go with mummar When you are going through a deavstating time like yoiu are right now. you just do alot of things you normally would,nt do it does,nt mean your crazzy. just filled with anxiety and plain miery. missing your child. it is hard. Bless your special angel hugs
Ok I ain\'t a doctor but it sounds like you have many of the issues that I had/have to deal with. I started having panic attacks, withdrew from society, I was on the wrong medications for over a year. Have you taken a battery of tests? I had a crappy 1st therapist. The minute I got my new therapist (she is don\'t play) The tests were shared with a new psychiatrist. They were very useful in my winning my social security disability - You may need some chlonazapam (klonopin) to help with the anxiety. You may also have some PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Just call the art teacher tell the art him what is wrong, I think it could be great therapy for you. Perhaps he could come up with some recommendations. Do you have someone you can \"buddy\" with to go to the class? I think it would be great to do that.
It\'s all normal grief and it sucks!!! Literally sucks the life out of us. But I do promise down the road we incorporate it into our lives and it isn\'t as raw as it is now!!! Just keep journaling and getting your feelings out. That\'s what helped me. xoxoxo
After Jenn died the only thing I could do was go to work, and many days I sat in my office with the door closed so I didn\'t have to talk to people...I\'d let calls go to voice mail and if I had to answer I did it by email so I didn\'t have to actually talk to them.
At home I didn\'t clean, cook, or even pay bills..which was hysterical because money was in the bank since I was working. I only went to work because they told me I had to go...
Do what you can and NEED to...
Hugs, marylou
Many times our minds, heart and bodies are not in agreement. What we might want to do or think is good for us is hard to actually carry out. I remember days when it was so difficult to just get out of bed. After one month I had to go back to work, I am a single mom, I\'m sure I was a zombie those first few weeks, I would go home and crawl into Doug\'s bed with a glass of wine. The only right way on this journey is to listen to your gut. Sue xo
It\'s such a terrible shock, and the shock continues for a while. You are still in the raw first months. It will get easier, I promise you this. Be very kind to yourself, gentle and non-judgemental. These are the hardest days and nights. You will get organized again, when it\'s time.
The art class sounds like a good reprieve. I went to gym classes every day when I was first in grief. In shock. Only moving my body made sense. Now, in the fourth year, I have trouble getting out of bed.
We are all holding your hands, you are not alone, you are not lazy or crazy, you are suffering the worst thing that can happen to a person. Love, Abby
Mary4408...I take xanax...a pretty large dose as a matter of fact. I am sure I have PTSD...no, I haven\'t taken a lot of tests, well none, really. I was seeing this psychiatrist before...and when it happened he adjusted my dosages up. I have a real bond with him and his wife. I can\'t, at this point, start over with someone else.
The art class can wait. The instructor didn\'t text me back after I got up the nerve and sent him a long text explaining what was going on...I am sure he doesn\'t have the time or patience to deal with me. That\'s okay.
I have tons of art supplies...I painted like a maniac in the weeks following...one day I just cleaned the brushes I was using and haven\'t picked them up since. It was probably too much of a commitment right now anyway...like I said, it was an expensive class...if I had paid that much money I would have felt even worse on those days I just couldn\'t go...or maybe it would have been more of a motivation to go...I don\'t know.
It is really disappointing to feel like I have come a long way...then out of the blue I have an anxiety attack at the thought of leaving my house.
It is so weird...I get so scared but I am not sure what I am scared of. The worst has happened, what do I have to be scared of??? I can\'t explain why I feel the way I do at times.
Hi Gina - I hear so much fear in your journal - I have that too....I have never been a \"jittery\" or \"anxious\" person but since Jennifer\'s death I am jittery, anxious, and react to things I never reacted to before. I am hanging onto what all these sisters are saying.....one moment at a time, one day at a time. I believe there is no explanation to why you feel the way you do at times, other than we have been through such a horrendous experience that sometimes we just DO feel like we feel.....I am right with you and YOU have come far from those first few days....Gina you are doing great - one step forward, 2 steps back..sometimes 2 steps forward, one step back.......WE WILL MAKE IT GINA. ((HUGS)) Vicki
(((hugs)))
You are dealing with this the best you can and that\'s enough! I was in a whirlwind of activity for almost 5 months after Kala\'s accident. She was a very popular high school senior and there were lots of things for me to attend at her school.....graduation was the hardest, but I did it! But I didn\'t do any of it alone. I had a \"buddy\". Strange it wasn\'t my best friend, but was a total stranger to me, who knew Kala very well (her son was Kala\'s on again off again boyfriend). Anyways, she was dragging me here and there.....at my request....and I always seemed to manage well. On days when I had to venture out alone, well, that was another story.
I sort of fell in to a routine. I\'d get in the shower, scream and cry at the insanity of all of it, then get dressed, and tell Kala, \"Let\'s go\". Sometimes I\'d end up sitting in the parking lot crying my eyes out not able to go in where ever it was, and sometimes I was able to go in and do what I needed to do. Either way it was a success and I told myself proud Kala was of me.
I wonder if starting with outings which are \"non committal\"....such as a walk in the park, or a trip to the store, or something like that would be a good first step for you? I think it\'s important that we \"get back out into the world\" as soon as we\'re able. So, I think maybe if you will make yourself go outside, get in your car, and just drive around the block and then come home, it will help build your courage and calm your anxiety. You can add a little more every couple of days until you are ready for that art class!
And Vicki is right....WE WILL MAKE IT GINA!!!
Love you!
Love to Cassi!
I need to do something after I lost Mike. I was already working out but I continued and worked all my anger out on the machines. Since that gym closed I joined another, it i good to be exhausted and the endorphins do make you feel better. I hope you find something that works for you.
sending Hugs Penny
You are getting it together even though you do not feel it all some days...YOU are and you must trust and believe that healing is happening even in those moments you know it cannot be... It is...
It\'s okay to think you want to do something and then not go through with it. I did this many times and even spent $ on an application process for school that when it came down to it I felt such dread I just couldn\'t do it.
Baby steps dear Gina and you are taking them and will continue to. Listen to your gut and if it\'s filled with dread that is your answer for the moment.
Loving care,
XO Joanie