What Am I Aiming For?
Do I really want to kill myself? My friend made me confess today to all this darkness I've been considering and half way attempting. If I really wanted to kill myself wouldn't I have done it by now or at least be in the hospital for attempted suicide? I'm laying in bed typing this instead.
She says I'm not going to do it, and I believe her. And gosh I love her and my other friend and my family to death. There's no way I could do that to them. But that doesn't mean I don't want to. I've considered so many ways of ending my life, each more tempting than the last. There's such a colorful variety of ways to die, too. You don't realize it until it's pretty much the only thing on your mind.
But there are some days, sometimes 3 or 4 back to back, where I am genuinely okay or happy. Why am I on such an unstable roller coaster of feelings? That's probably another big chunk as to why I can't kill myself like I imagine. It's so 50/50 as to whether I want to wake up the next day or not. It's scary to consider attempting it when I'm not 100% I want to do it just yet.
I think I would be content if I were just hooked up to machines in a hospital. How sickening is that? That's not normal. And it's not like I'd even want anyone to know about it. I'd rather everyone just think I went missing or went on a trip somewhere. Maybe I'd want my two best friends there by my side, but nobody else. I'd want them to hold each of my hands as I die. Why am I even having thoughts like that, though? It really makes me question whether I should hurry up and get prescribed pills to help me or not. I guess these are all just my thoughts on a journal entry. Maybe as the days go by I will know what I'm wanting to commit to more. Death or prescription? Who knows? But I'm sure I'll make the right choice when the opportunity presents itself to choose. I hope...
Replies
I think suicide is your escape fantasy. Life getting to you? Fantasise about dying.
It's a really bad habit.
You don't want to die. I can say that quite confidently. If you wanted to die, you'd be dead. You don't want to die. You just don't enjoy the life you've got at the moment.
We get a bit global with our ideas. We don't say 'oh, my life is crap but it'll be fine in 3 yrs, 5 yrs, 10 yrs.' No. we don't say that. :D We say 'my life is crap I should end it.'
You don't want to die. You want live and have fun. :p
PS my escape fantasy is mediaeval england where I have adventures... n stuff. They always start with someone knocking on the door of my stone cottage in the middle of the forest....
:p
Aw thank you Bridgie101. Those were very encouraging words. It's nice to have such a positive response on such a dark and negative situation. You're right. I do want to live. I think maybe I just find a sense of comfort in the thought of dying but nothing more. I should strive to find that happiness in my life and push away all the horrible negativity I'm allowing myself to fall into. :) thank you again.
Bridge has some great advice. My piece of advice is to get out and exercise. Start slowly, and then build up. Even walking or swimming works well. I ride a bicycle, outdoors in summer and indoors in winter.
The thing about exercise, is that it produces endorphins which do make you feel better. Almost happy! You have to retrain the brain a bit, and push through the negatively and not wanting to do it. I keep a mood chart, and how I am feeling and the exercise I am doing. I am very physically disabled, but when I started feeling a bit better 11 years ago, I started doing leg lifts on the bed, and riding on an exercise bike for 1 minute. Well, in a couple of years, I was no longer depressed, and I was lifting 15 lb free weights, and riding my bike 30-35 km every other day.
I've had a bad med failure and I have had to cut back. But exercise is so important to my well being, I have pushed through a LOT of pain. Anyway, that is my suggestion, sorry for taking so much space up.
Bridgie I will join you in that castle! Wonderful place to be! Have you read Game of Thrones?
Thank you dearly MarleneJ for the encouraging and wonderful advice. I was doing well with exercise until my grandma passed in September, but I should exercise even more now that I need that extra push unlike in the past where I only did it for enjoyment.
I am sorry about the struggle with medical situations, but it is really nice to hear you continue to exercise and persevere. I hope you keep that spirit going for life. It's really refreshing and your comment on here put a smile on my face.
Thank you again and all the best to come! I'm going to go for a run tomorrow morning. I hope it's sunny out.