Well I made it
Well Sunday if finally over! Thank God! It was so hard to go and be strong. When they put in the cd of all of James Robert's photos I couldn't help it, i broke down and cried. I am just starting to realize he is truely gone. I will never see or hear from him again.
We let a dozen balloons go and it was touching to see all those balloons float to the heaven. I won't say it was freeing but it started me to think he is really gone. I am so lost without him. I didn't think it would be this bad. I don't want to let go. <a soggy laugh> I was just getting used to not seeing him for weeks on end when he would show up out of the blue. I want a visit like that. I so wanted to hit my dad when he said "he is in a better place" no a better place would be here with me not............... dead. How can one word be so hard to write? How can one word be so harsh? How can I ever put things back togeather? I wouldn't have made it though without my roommates. They have been the best.
I want to thank everyone here. It is nice to know I have someplace I can go and ramble about what I am feeling and not have to be "strong". How didn't I notice how long and barren the days where? I didn't really realize how much I depended on my boy. He really was the thing that kept me thinking this world was worth it. Now nothing seems worth it. The days are so very long. Nothing tastes the same. Nothing has the same color. All this and I can't stop crying.
We let a dozen balloons go and it was touching to see all those balloons float to the heaven. I won't say it was freeing but it started me to think he is really gone. I am so lost without him. I didn't think it would be this bad. I don't want to let go. <a soggy laugh> I was just getting used to not seeing him for weeks on end when he would show up out of the blue. I want a visit like that. I so wanted to hit my dad when he said "he is in a better place" no a better place would be here with me not............... dead. How can one word be so hard to write? How can one word be so harsh? How can I ever put things back togeather? I wouldn't have made it though without my roommates. They have been the best.
I want to thank everyone here. It is nice to know I have someplace I can go and ramble about what I am feeling and not have to be "strong". How didn't I notice how long and barren the days where? I didn't really realize how much I depended on my boy. He really was the thing that kept me thinking this world was worth it. Now nothing seems worth it. The days are so very long. Nothing tastes the same. Nothing has the same color. All this and I can't stop crying.
Replies
I think us moms who didn\'t have our kids at home may actually have a harder time...it was normal not to talk to Jenn every day or to not see her every day...so when time goes by, I think, I should call her, or stop over and see her...but that now means going to the cemetery ...
Hugs, and this IS the place to ramble, and not be strong...
Marylou...Jenns mom
I wish I could tell you that in tme things will be the same. In these two years, I have come to realize, nothing will ever be the same. I am not the same. I am an entirely different person now.
I can however tell you that this site (FMO) has literally saved my sanity. Everybody understands, because they too have lost a child. No matter how well intentioned friends are, they have not lost a child and they can never understand the depth of our pain. FMO is our saving Grace!!!
((((HUGS))))....Julia
Your words are so familiar that it is really scary. I hadn\'t found this site yet when at the same place you are now. I was sinking into some awful darkness then by some miracle I found this site with random surfing. I truly believe that\'s son helped to direct me to a place where I could feel like someone understood what pain and heartbreak I was going through. My reading , writing and rambling here has literally been a life saver for me. Continue to read and journal this unpredictable journey.
I hated that reality was setting in and the realization that things would never be the same without Josh. I agree that FMO has gotten me through 4 1/2 years has pulled me through too.
Keep in touch with us, we care.
Leda
Glad you survived a really tough day. Unfortunately, you will have many more. But at least you know you have somewhere to come where people understand. So, in addition to your friends and family who will do their best to support you, but not always understand, you will have this group and we understand. Laura
You navigated that very hard day and there will be more, yet you will take them one at a time and with a lot of support from family, friends and your sisters of the heart here on FMO.
This is where we come to ramble, share, remove the masks and find just enough courage to make it through another day.
Loving care your way as you walk this path and know that there are no right or wrong ways... Just keep taking those baby steps as you are and do not look too far ahead or behind. Staying in the moment is where your healing is.
Gentle hugs,
XO Joanie
Oh my dear. I reacall saying the same things \"This is where she should be - it is not a better place\". It is so hard to believe that it is so final.
I am so glad you are coming here. I found that FMO was the only place I could say what I was feeling without someone trying to \'fix\' me. Nobody else knows what it is like to lose a child.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
One word CAN be so harsh. Almost 5 years on this journey and I always say \"my son was in a fatal car accident\". I can not say \"killed\" or \"died\" - hurts to even type those words. You survived the day - 24 hours. Take it one day at a time - 24 hours. Sometimes it is difficult to get through 1 hour, 1 minute, 1 second. Sending much love your way. Sue xo
I remember thinking that the tears simply leaked from my soul. It is okay to cry...there is healing in the tears. You should always feel what you feel...take gentle care...Karen