Well...fuck

Okay portion size is really important. I did pretty well today. Yoga, mediation, decent meals, and so on. But then I cooked way too many fries and ate the vast majority of them. Now I feel sad and tired and I don't wanna do anything. Now I'm debating pushing through and being productive any way or just sleeping. I still have to take the dog out. I don't wanna. I want sugar. and sleep. I was going to make this a super introspective journal filled with all the mother issues and the (not so) suprising support from my step-mother.

Okay, goals. I'm going to finish this episode of B99. Then I'm going to take the dog out. Then I'll drink tea. Then I'll see where I'm at. The hope is to make my study cards (I can't remember the wor...FLASH cards!) and finish this entry properly.

Alrightey then. It's been a couple hours and the goals were successful!! The tea is happening now instead of before the flash cards, but the gist is still correct. Soooooo, lets try this introspection. Should anyone other than me be reading this, I do apologize for the forthcoming word vomit. 

My mother is godsdamned fucking perfect in every fucking way. When it comes to food and exercise anyway. She can maintain her self control like no other. If she decides to do or not do something, she either does or does not do it. It's just that simple. She's also just a "tad" controlling and stubborn. You can probably imagine how all this played out with her ADD, prone to anxiety, depression, and weight gain youngest daughter. Throw in a shocking divorce, some physical and mental illness in everyone in the family, and some seriously passive agressive sibling rivalrey between my sister and I, and you end up with me. A work in progress, even after years of therapy. Don't get me wrong, my mother is the most loving and caring person I know and she would most likely take a bullet for me. She's a total badass and I love her dearly. I am also fucking terrified of disapointing her and since she shows her love most easily through well meaning criticisim and random gifts that is all too easy. Plus, she and my sister share a conviction that they are always right, and if they were ever wrong, IT IS NOT TO BE DISCUSSED!!!! Which sometimes makes growth and communication difficult.

I'm not entierly sure where I'm going with this. Oh yeah, I've been reading The Hunger Fix, as previously mentioned, and it's some really good stuff. Specifically targeted for food addicts. Eating foods that immitate the junk I'm addicted to but healthy and regular meals and so forth. But my mother fasts. My mother is the healthiest stick person of all time. My mother has all the reasearch to back up why fasting and high paced exercise are what's best for the human body. And I don't dispute that!! Her research and facts are sound. But as I've recently realized I HAVE A FOOD ADDICTION!!! It's an eating disorder that effects my will power. Fasting is feeding into a binge purge cycle. I have to heal one before I can even consider attempting the other and I am fucking terrified my mother won't understand. That she'll think I'm a failure whatever she says aloud. That I'll have to endure the well meaning critiques and side comments until I conform from fear or shame or some other gods-awful emotion.

You know, I think one of the many reasons I've fallen off the wagon before is need to prove her wrong, self sabatoging, cutting off my nose to spite my face. If I want to succeed, I need to forget my mother. I can't loose weight or become healthy for her. I have to do it for me. Not to spite her. Not to impress her. Not to make her love me (which, when I'm not listening to the depression, I know she already does). I have to do it for me. And I think I've already taken the first steps for that. She is officially forbidden from mentioning my weight, my eating/exercise habits, and/or my weight loss journey. And I no longer ask. If I need help, I can ask my step-mother who know as much or more then my mother but is more like me in her journey to a healthy life, with similar obstacles. She understands. She doesn't judge. She's better able to filter my crazy. And she can translate what my mother means instead of how I interpret what she says. Plus, she KNOWS things. I have arthritis in my foot, so this brilliant beloved woman just connected me to no-impact-cardio. She's reasuring and wise and fluent in both "chesh" and "chesh's mother" and is just an all around awesome person. 

Okay. So what have we learned here. 1) my journey toward health has to be about me and me alone. 2) my mother is an amazing person but she is not in control of me and she is not perfect. 1&2 a) I am not trying to be my mother, I am trying to be my best me. and 3) my step-mother is an amazing human being who deserves all the good things in life. Also, 4) portion control is key. I cannot stop if the food is in front of me. therefore, there needs to be less food in front of me. 

Okie dokie. I'm calling it a night. Work in the morning and all.