Weds--so far no anxiety
I had a little bit of anxiety again last night but did not take anything extra...when it passed I was exhausted though so I ended up asleep pretty early. This week seems extra long...so tired of my job that I could scream! you try to make things better for users...give them a faster machine...and they yell at you because their desktop is not exactly the same as before. It is exhausting.
As for myself...ignoring the anxiety as best I can...rolling along with my days hoping to find some kind of answers. I think sometimes I try to force answers to come. I am tired of feeling like my life is in limbo. It will be ten years this year I have been with my BF. Nothing has improved...I went back and re-read my journals as far back as they go and am surprised at how often I repeat the same cycles. The time is coming close to make a decision..even if it is the wrong one. Living with things staying the same is killing me. I am often depressed and I hate my life. While it may be that I still love him ...It may also be that loving him is not good for me. This cycle of thought that I seem to be repeating lately...I feel that is different. I have said before I thought I wanted to go..to move..to do something...but I think lately this realization that it might be OK to love him and just not want to be with him anymore.
Moving out might in the end turn out to be a huge mistake...but at least it will be different. If things stay the same another ten years will slip by and I will wonder if I could have made them better.
As for myself...ignoring the anxiety as best I can...rolling along with my days hoping to find some kind of answers. I think sometimes I try to force answers to come. I am tired of feeling like my life is in limbo. It will be ten years this year I have been with my BF. Nothing has improved...I went back and re-read my journals as far back as they go and am surprised at how often I repeat the same cycles. The time is coming close to make a decision..even if it is the wrong one. Living with things staying the same is killing me. I am often depressed and I hate my life. While it may be that I still love him ...It may also be that loving him is not good for me. This cycle of thought that I seem to be repeating lately...I feel that is different. I have said before I thought I wanted to go..to move..to do something...but I think lately this realization that it might be OK to love him and just not want to be with him anymore.
Moving out might in the end turn out to be a huge mistake...but at least it will be different. If things stay the same another ten years will slip by and I will wonder if I could have made them better.
Replies
Your introspection is a sign that you are growing as a person. So often we repeat the same cycles over and over ignorant that we are repeating past mistakes only to repeat them. Sometimes loving them does not mean living with then...
You are accomplishing your goals along with achieving personal growth and that is wonderful. My husband and I knew each other for 20 years as best of friends before we \'finally\' decided to marry. I came from being raised as an orphan and much of that experience left me not wanting to be in any long term relationship as I had no ability to trust anyone that much. My husband brought healing into my life along with his love. No relationship is perfect but a better husband I could not have had and am so very glad we finally \'tied the knot\'. Now, after his death, I carry the very best of memories with me and that sustains me though these challenges.
Spend plenty of time thinking about your plans and goals and they will fall into place over time.
((hugs))
:-) Patricia