Weds August 24, 2011
Not sure how to start today...woke up sick and very tired..of course...why not throw the bad dreams on top of everything else right? Not dreaming about him though..dreamed about me and my mom. I think maybe because we used to be so close and it's where I would go when I was in trouble.
Now? I don't know where my tough strong mom went and it seems I am more the parent these days. I can't even try to talk to her about anything serious anymore. My real father continues to answer me with questions about our lives. I answer but kind of without any real detail..I try to be brief. I'm still not sure how I feel about the whole situation. It did strike me as kind of funny though....he was asking about what I do for a living and when I said I was in tech support of course wanted to know if I liked it. I explained that I liked messing around with the computers but did not always like dealing with the people. He said...you were always good with people...
I was? and how the hell would he know? He has not seen me since I was 13 and had him thrown out of my hospital room. I started laughing to myself..He has some vague memory of me as a timid teenager.
Anyone who knows me...well, knew me before the anxiety destroyed me..knows I've always been kind of a firecracker... hot tempered. (My few friends that I have known for a while start giggling endlessly when I tell them he thinks I'm good with people...they try not to but it just comes snorting out.)
It's pretty bad when you look forward to a dr. appt. just so you can get out of work for a while. The one eyed nazi is driving me crazy this week(my boss). Do you think if she knew I called her that I'd be fired? nah...
I have to stop wishing for someone to be there and pull myself back together. Keep my head down and my mouth shut and just go to school and pay my shit off. If he wants me to go this weekend and sit on my ass and do nothing then I guess I will. It will keep the peace for now while I try to sort things out. This is probably one of those times it's probably a good thing that men are so much stronger than women...otherwise I might have just decked him...as I have said before...If things ever really got ugly I have no doubt who would end up in jail...and it wouldn't be him lol.
crap.....off to work.
Now? I don't know where my tough strong mom went and it seems I am more the parent these days. I can't even try to talk to her about anything serious anymore. My real father continues to answer me with questions about our lives. I answer but kind of without any real detail..I try to be brief. I'm still not sure how I feel about the whole situation. It did strike me as kind of funny though....he was asking about what I do for a living and when I said I was in tech support of course wanted to know if I liked it. I explained that I liked messing around with the computers but did not always like dealing with the people. He said...you were always good with people...
I was? and how the hell would he know? He has not seen me since I was 13 and had him thrown out of my hospital room. I started laughing to myself..He has some vague memory of me as a timid teenager.
Anyone who knows me...well, knew me before the anxiety destroyed me..knows I've always been kind of a firecracker... hot tempered. (My few friends that I have known for a while start giggling endlessly when I tell them he thinks I'm good with people...they try not to but it just comes snorting out.)
It's pretty bad when you look forward to a dr. appt. just so you can get out of work for a while. The one eyed nazi is driving me crazy this week(my boss). Do you think if she knew I called her that I'd be fired? nah...
I have to stop wishing for someone to be there and pull myself back together. Keep my head down and my mouth shut and just go to school and pay my shit off. If he wants me to go this weekend and sit on my ass and do nothing then I guess I will. It will keep the peace for now while I try to sort things out. This is probably one of those times it's probably a good thing that men are so much stronger than women...otherwise I might have just decked him...as I have said before...If things ever really got ugly I have no doubt who would end up in jail...and it wouldn't be him lol.
crap.....off to work.
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