Wednesday rambling

I still have two weeks until school starts.  I think I have too much time on my hands.  I've been kind of edgy the last couple of days and not sleeping very well. My coffee addiction is not helping with this either.  I am irritated and lonely.  Sunday was an ok day and we got along pretty well.  Monday he stayed in the bay area so I had a nice quiet evening with my coffee and steamy novels.  The problem with reading all these novels is that they make you wish for the affection.  So when he comes home last night and his first action is to crack a beer (his first love), and I don't even get a sloppy second hug, I just become irritated all over again.  It's been 13 years, I'm not asking for the moon, but it's the same old thing it has always been--I think it's just really not who he is.  Giving affection while sober is just not in his makeup.  That is why I am referring to this year as the year of judgement.  It's my last year of school and in the spring I will graduate.  After that, all bets are off.  I need to decide just what I can and can't live with.  I'm not saying that we do not love each other.  I am just saying that in this case it may not be enough. 

I remember how I used to see my grandparents sleep in separate rooms when I was a kid and how sad I thought that was.  Now, here I am in a relationship where I sleep alone most nights and I wonder if that will ever work for me?  I don't think so,  and after all these years I don't think it's right to expect it to change.  I am sure if I said I was moving out again he would put on a good show and change it for a while.  but since I already moved out once and he said we could change things, and he has not kept one single promise,  I would have to be completely delusional to keep believing it at this point. 

When I didn't even get a real hug last night I tried to ask him how his day was...he pretty much snapped at me as usual.  I don't even say anything anymore,  I just told the dog, come on, and turned around and went back inside.  he didn't seem to mind much either.  If I move out again after school is over, I need to make it a point to keep coming back and re-reading these.  I need to remind myself how he puts out just enough effort to keep me from leaving without ever really giving me what I need.