Wednesday
Yesterday was much better and i was much more stable all day long.
Today I am a little more down than yesterday, but still not crying, so still in the 'ok' range. I woke up tuesday feeling like I had grapefruit under my arms, so I am guessing that there was also some hormonal action going on. I had the hysterectomy at 23 but they left my ovaries..over the years it's kind of been a guessing game as to whether it should have been that time of the month or not. I always had more of the crying for no reason version of PMS than anger. That may have had something to do with what was going on over the weekend in addition to whatever I am working through.
My mom finally got a better job and is able to quit her weekend job so after the end of July I can go visit her and she will have the weekends off. Pathetic that at my age I still need my mom, I know. She and my brother are the only family I have and now that Steve and I are done, I have no one up here where I am at. My mom still keeps trying to talk me into moving down there. I am trying to not make any sudden moves and just let myself be a sponge for a while and feel what is around me before I make any big changes.
As I was driving to work, I noticed that i was very angry this morning. Angry at him for not being what I needed...but mostly angry at myself for trying so hard to make things work, that I have wasted more than an entire decade. Angry at myself for allowing the fear, and falling apart and crying for days. As the anger fades, I am more down and just wondering what accident made humans self-aware and for what? There is no point in the end, and this life is so long.
Replies
its very wise of u to take the time before making any sudden changes. there is no shame at all in still needing your mom- in my opinion u are lucky to have that relationship with her. Your still in the grieving process of the relationship ending is like a death- it IS a death, a death of an old life and a birth of a new life, and everything that goes with it, sadness anger, fear of the unknown, resentment, but underneath it all, there is a seed for the future, u may not see it now, but in time u will...xoxoxo
Hugs. I hope tomorrow will be better for you.
Family is important. We all need and lean on our parents from time to time. If we are lucky...sometimes that's the only ones we have to lean on for support.