Weakness Post

Now, I haven't properly "mourned" kicking my dad out- if that's a thing?? 

But I am now at work trying NOT to cry my eyes out...

I recieved two picture messages from my dad and decided I wasn't strong enough to look at them! So I waiting... then I looked today and it turns out... the two pictures were of his books (self published author- but doesn't make money) at the local library! Apparently, they bought his books and are displaying them for people to rent out!!!! Which is very exciting and I am sure an opportunity for him to "celebrate" with a pint (that's what he did every time a book got into form!).

Then he says that the library wants to set up a signing........ and this is where I get weak!!! Now all I think about is not being able to be there (if it's true) AND that he will need a shave, shower and meal before a signing like that so he doesn't stink!!!! :,( Now, I want to cry. My heart strings have been pulled!

Now is when I feel like I wont make it... as if his opportunities and success is in MY hands. It is killing me, ripping me to pieces. 

Personal Feeling: What kind of person am I to crush something techniquly BOTH of us have been working toward?? I haven't responded to his reply because the INSTANT thought of him being judged or ridiculed or ANYTHING becuase I kicked him out and now he is smelly, unshowered, unshaven, and probably in the same clothes as he left in. Ugh. I want to crawl away now. I feel like I have been so dependent on caring for him, I grew to feel like it was something I NEEDED to do... 

I try to share with husband, who is awesome, but also fed up, but he wont really understand and tried to be supportive, but his support comes across more judgy! :/ IDK. 

It's just too much!