war and sickness

Psychological warfare has begun.  We go back and forth from him being nice to pissy in about three seconds. Last night all he kept saying was if I leave then I am not to call him when I have a panic attack, that he is not a yo yo and it's not fair to him.  It's true, I need to stand on my own..no matter how sick I get.  I am super sick this morning and cannot stay out of the bathroom.  I'm starting to have anxiety on top of that worried that it is more than stress. 

I've been looking on Craigslist for something to rent but there is literally no vacancy in this valley under 1000 a month and all the craigslist adds say come join our waitlist.  After being dragged into HR again last week I really do not want to ask the company for any favors unless I am desperate.  My friend Kristi says she has something coming up but it won't be ready until july because it's an eviction.  I'm not sure I can make it until July.  I texted my other friend Jeanette and said hey, doesn't your mom have rental properties?  She said her mom does have a small house empty that she was going to sell.  She is going to ask if she really needs to sell it or would be interested in renting again....even if it's a short while.  I don't want to get my hopes up.  That would be more in my price range.  I'm trying to keep doing deep breathing and not panic.  My stomach is making horrible sounds.

I keep reminding myself that it is ok to want something better.  I keep reminding myself that I wanted out of this long before I met this young man that has become my friend and would like to be more.  The more he pressures me and is angry, the more I just want to go.  He keeps reminding me that no matter how unhappy he is ..he never went out and had coffee with a woman behind my back.  Yes, you are right, I suck.  I just don't care anymore.  I got kissed like I have not been kissed in years.  If that makes me a whore, then so be it. 

I cannot worry about the what if game.  What if I am sick??  then you will be sick and deal with it alone.  What if I am making a horrible mistake and I will end up all alone?  then you end up alone..fuck it.

what if all this drama costs me my job?  then it does...you were already in trouble and it's a horrible environment anyway. 

What if in the process I hurt this other young man that has been so kind to me?  That is his decision to make, he made it through Iraq, he can take care of himself and make his own decisions.