War!

It's been 105 days since I had a smoke.

There is a war going on inside me.  I have pushed this aside until school was over but there is only two weeks left of school and the war has begun.  It is a war to figure out what is the right thing to do.  For me.  For those around me. 

He's been being super nice to me for the most part.  His radar is definitely up.  Saturday, I was supposed to be working on my final project which I have to present on Thurs.  I don't know what's wrong with me. My heart is just not into this project and been having  a horrible time making myself sit down to write it up.  I blew it off and went shopping.  He went with me and helped me shop for purses..He's always been really good about shopping though so not that out of character. 

I'm a purse whore.  It is the one and only thing that I ever care what the brand is...my only fashion statement.  I am also a cheap bitch, so I have to find a balance..something that I like that isn't old ladyish and also not super overpriced for the name.  It can make for a long process..I found a couple I liked but I was too cheap to spend 35.00 for.  We ended up being out for like three hours and walking away with nothing.  I did find one, but the line was all the way through Ross, and there was no way I was waiting, so I put it back and we left.  We got a few things at the grocery store and went home.

Once we got home,  he went out to work in the yard, and I sat down to see if I could make any progress on my project.  I was actually making a dent in it.  As he was working outside and I had the windows open, I could hear each beer bottle that hit the recycle.  Yep, gonna be one of those nights.  We barely made it through dinner and he laid down on the floor and was out by 8:30.  I just stepped over him and put the food away. 

Sunday when I got up he didn't say anything to me at first.  Once he figured out I was not mad at him, then he was in a jolly mood.  There is really no point in being mad about it anymore.  It's not about me, I get that part.  It started raining about noon.  Stuck in the house with him all afternoon.  He was cooking and I was doing laundry.  He didn't start drinking til almost 6 pm, which is late for him.  He was on me like white on rice, though.  Every time I picked up my phone, he asked me what I was doing.  I said, I'm checking in on my support site.  He actually asked me if I was ok..and if those I talked to were ok.  He NEVER does that. Yep, radar is up.

Every time  I think of leaving him I feel sick.  I find myself not really wanting to be around him either.  When he told me that he was not going to stay in the bay at all this week, I just felt disappointed.    I was thinking about when we were on vacation and stopped at his mom's house.  She is where he gets the alcoholism.  She's also taking pain pills for her back pain.  I just looked at his step dad, how unhappy he looked, taking care of her.  I thought....that is going to be me if I don't do something. 

I made a friend in my final class.  He is 15 years my junior..practically young enough to be my son. He also suffers from anxiety and depression.  We went to lunch the other day.  He told me that he thinks i'm pretty and awesome and that he just felt like someone should tell me.  It made me want to believe there could be some other future besides watching him passed out on the floor.  

Even if I wanted out there are so many other considerations.  Rents here are through the roof and I don't think I could afford to live in CA and keep working here if we weren't together. Also, Steve and the girls are on my insurance since it was way cheaper than the insurance through his work.  Another thing to figure out. 

I am struggling so hard with what is the right thing to do.  I am unhappy but I do still love him. The internal war has begun.