want to cry
so i wake up today and what a difference from last night. i feel lkie crap, not from the wine, but that i think the reality of the situation is hitting me hard. i want to cry, can feel it in me but it wont come out. i am so nervous, heart palpitations, churning stomach, good thing i see dr. m. this morning. i dont want to tell him about how stupid i was and am, he must be so sick of me.
i have to admit that i did like the fuzzy feeling from 2 glasses of wine, i can see how easy it would be to drink, though i have known this for way to long, as my parents are recovering alcohlics. i understood when i become a single parent how easy it would be to just drink the day away as my mother did, to escape, but i vowed many decades ago not to be like them.
last night i had my cereal and was so wanting the flavored rice crisps but maggie had got into them and ate them, i was so pissed! apparently i forgot to put them up high enough...............
colleen finally called me back and she could tell immediately something was wrong, at tis point i had just started to eat so was still feeling the affects of the wine. i ignored my problems, just asked her what was going on for today and what news did she have to tell me. she kept trying to get back to me, but i wouldnt go there. i couldnt get a clear answer as to when jeff and her are coming which was also ticking me off. i am not waiting around to get her call or anything. i see dr. m. have to pick up 2 expensive prescriptions and i am going to get my hair cut, i dont care, i hate my looks, i have stopped getting it cut, and i jhave a short style and it looks like hell. i could care less if the house is clean or picked up and i have to admit i havent cared much about proper grooming until i really have to. i am so disgusrted with myself, i know i am kinda depressed but the anxiety seems worse then the depression. all of this isnt helping ED and its control. yup, no breakfast, not hungry, i am not going to force myself, i wont be doing much today so the hell with it. in some ways i am doing better with ed, i am eating some different foods, including one i vowed not to ever eat, i had a couple of chip like crisps and did they taste good, i then stayed away. i also must admit that i hope i am losing weight, though i dont see how with all i eat and not that much exercise. i want my pants and other clothes to fit looser again.
i dont know where to begin............. to much to handle and which to tackle first?? maybe dr. will help??
sorry for all the constant down journals.
i have to admit that i did like the fuzzy feeling from 2 glasses of wine, i can see how easy it would be to drink, though i have known this for way to long, as my parents are recovering alcohlics. i understood when i become a single parent how easy it would be to just drink the day away as my mother did, to escape, but i vowed many decades ago not to be like them.
last night i had my cereal and was so wanting the flavored rice crisps but maggie had got into them and ate them, i was so pissed! apparently i forgot to put them up high enough...............
colleen finally called me back and she could tell immediately something was wrong, at tis point i had just started to eat so was still feeling the affects of the wine. i ignored my problems, just asked her what was going on for today and what news did she have to tell me. she kept trying to get back to me, but i wouldnt go there. i couldnt get a clear answer as to when jeff and her are coming which was also ticking me off. i am not waiting around to get her call or anything. i see dr. m. have to pick up 2 expensive prescriptions and i am going to get my hair cut, i dont care, i hate my looks, i have stopped getting it cut, and i jhave a short style and it looks like hell. i could care less if the house is clean or picked up and i have to admit i havent cared much about proper grooming until i really have to. i am so disgusrted with myself, i know i am kinda depressed but the anxiety seems worse then the depression. all of this isnt helping ED and its control. yup, no breakfast, not hungry, i am not going to force myself, i wont be doing much today so the hell with it. in some ways i am doing better with ed, i am eating some different foods, including one i vowed not to ever eat, i had a couple of chip like crisps and did they taste good, i then stayed away. i also must admit that i hope i am losing weight, though i dont see how with all i eat and not that much exercise. i want my pants and other clothes to fit looser again.
i dont know where to begin............. to much to handle and which to tackle first?? maybe dr. will help??
sorry for all the constant down journals.
Replies
Journals are for your feeling whether they are sad, happy, or what. I quit doing a journal everyday, because so many people would comment on what about the positive things going on in life? Le\'t s hear about the good things only.So, I decided to only do journals once in a while. However, I am really just letting other people decided what I should do, when I should be doing what I want to do, so don\'t feel bad about your journals. If they are your feelings, then type them. This is suppose to be a support site anyways, although once in a while, it can get pretty testy, right?
We all know signs of the depression creeping in, feeling of hopelessness, not wishing to look in the mirror because we haven\'t brushed our hair, so many things, and you have to battle ED too. I don\'t know a lot about Ed as I have said, but please give yourself some credit, okay? I know, I keep typing the same thing over and over, but you are stronger than your realize. I have said that over and over. You work, you battle so many things, and you still keep on going to work. Major A for that. Maybe you are looking at it that you are not strong, but you are. I mean that. Other advise I can\'t seem to type, because I just know how I see you. I have been so depressed lately, it is unreal. But hey, let\'s just type slap happy journals for Lucy.
Truly Ann? I admire you for your strength and your courage, and we should be acknowledged for what we are doing, not for what we are not doing. Hugs!
*hugs Ann* I\'m sorry you are feeling so down.. you just had a really good day last week. Hold on to that joy. I know things are hard for you right now... Just keep pushing and everything will turn out alright. I still care about you, whether you have ED or not. I remember how hard it was to fight those urges to not eat, or eat as little as possible. I made a game of it... seeing how long I could go without eating (while running and walking 30 miles a week). I don\'t know how I got over mine or else I would help you overcome yours. *hugs* You are strong.. you can beat this!
you are both right, hang on to what is good and try and think of those days and lucy, yes great last sentence. hugs