Walking backwards

I'm so sad today.  I made it through work ok, but now the tears are flowing and I'm feeling so lost.  Each day I move forward I realize more deeply that Gene is really gone and it hurts even more.  The pain isn't as raw, it's just more real.  After walking through the initial fog of grief, coming out of it is harder than I could have imagined just a few weeks ago.  My counselor tells me this is all normal, but that doesn't make it easy.  I miss Gene so much.  He was my strength and gave me unconditional love everyday we were together.  Even when I was at my worst, he loved me and encouraged me.  I'm so lost without that.  There's no one else in my life who can ever replace him. I have made it to work this week which is good.  Just one more day to go.  My son's friend is having a birthday party here on Saturday.  This ought to be good.  A yard full of 21 year olds and a half keg of beer.  I'm going to have to take all their keys away as they come in the door!  I wish Gene could be here, then I wouldn't feel so apprehensive about having them all here--he'd keep them in line for sure!  But they are all good kids, so I shouldn't be so worried.  It's just that anxiety of knowing I don't have Gene to fall back on.  I just hope it doesn't rain cause' I don't want them all in the house!