Vulnerability in not a choice
I had an interesting convseration with a cousin. She is joining a free web-course on happiness offered by Berkley. She talked about not being sure if she wanted to be vulnerable around mysterious people in her online-class. Her conundrum was interesting - this idea of "choosing" to be vulnerable. I talked to my therapist about this. She said that the mind does not want to be re-traumizied so to some extent you may veer away from the pain that will bring you back to trauma unknowingly. You may choose to be vulnerable to a point. I want to go back to my younger self - shake her and say - "feel what you got to feel so I an go on with my life! I can handle your pain - bring it! Im ready to be vulnerable - go!"
In addition to being vulnerable this idea of "love" has been on my mind. Specifically your choice to love. I want to tell my younger parts that i love them, just like how i read in other peoples blog - and I want to mean it. But when I look at them - something is holding me back -and I don't know what it is or how to get through it so I can just say "I love you!" and really mean it. should I fake it until I can? My older self said that love is like a muscle. That I am in the process of building that muscle - and that I would have to be patient when it comes to "feelings". The ability to control and manipulate feelings - it seems like you can't. Is it like the mind? like practicing to solve a math equation and the more you do it the better you get? is it more mysterious than that?
Just some sunday thoughts i guess.
Replies
My therapist says that most probably i am blocked from remembering because i have a part that doesn't want me to, for some reason. Many times I've thought "I'm ready to deal with whatever is in there" yet i have been destabilized by things getting too real. So we can't always know what we are really ready to deal with. I guess to some extent we can choose to be vulnerable and then again to some extent it's almost like a reflex to protect ourselves. Personally i wouldn't know the difference between choosing to be vulnerable and being socially inappropriate. How much of what i feel and think is appropriate to share in public?
For so many years i saw my inner children as I'd been taught to see them, with shame and hostility. I still struggle to love them as wholeheartedly as I aspire to. But i have confidence that both of us will get there.
I found with my inner children that they had to trust me just as much as I had to trust them. I had run away from them for so many years that me saying once "I want to know" didn't do much for them. I had to prove that I would show up every day and do the work. That when they were in crisis (making me anxious, giving me heart palps, etc) that I would stop what I was doing and make them a priority. Once I had proven to them that I was going to show up and make them a priority they started to share with me. I had to do prove this to all my inner children. It wasn't global that one would trust so they all would. Nope. Had to earn that trust 30 times.
As far as loving your inner children....fake it till you make it. Since loving my inner children meant loving myself it was tough. I didn't love myself. But as I worked with my inner children I grew to love them and therefore loved myself.
It takes time and lots of patience but you are doing a great job with your inner children from what I've read in your journals. You are making time for them and that makes all the difference in the world. Just show up every day for them and they will trust you and will eventually share what they know. (((Hugs)))
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts luckyempath and DonnaWanda :) I'm right there with you donnawanda - with being socially awkward. it's awful. I'm glad you mentioned the word "shame" - because that is a perfect word for what I feel when I see my inner children - I wish it wasn't that way. But like you said LuckyEmpath - fake it to you make it - put in the time -earn the trust. This is exactly what I plan to continue to do.