Voiceless Survivor

My father used to say it is impossible to hurt a child. Children are wired to adapt,  to survive,  live. The person that gets hurt when a child is hurt is the adult that the child is supposed to become. Why, why did you say this to me? Did you know?  Did you want this for me? Or was the curse unavoidable and did you want me to remember this when I was older, further away, once I've escaped from you physically? 

I'm older now,  Dad. I've moved away from you and mom and the childhood I never had as well as the brother that I protected with my life until you made me leave. I am not talking to you and mom and I haven't had a nightmare linked to the house I grew up in in years. It's amazing. I've found love.  I grew up.  I started a life.  I admitted myself to a clinic where I thought for my soul and my life and I won.  I came out alive and I have no intention of hurting myself ever again. I've grown into the woman you thought I'd never be. I have a business. I am a wife. And yet I am hurting right now,  through no conscious doing of my own. See when I look deep inside of me now I recognize that I am alone. 

I'm not talking to you and mom or little bro. I'm not talking to hubby, to colleagues,  to friends. Atleast not in the literal sense and there is no phone call,  skype call,  meeting,  date or visit that can fix that,  because that is what my crhonic PTSD left me with - an empty abyss, a curse of not being able to relate to any human being as a human being. It's like trying to yell and scream for help,  but no voice will come out. It is like a really really bad dream. See,  I can try to write and meet and call and paint as much as I want,  but at best it will distract me from the pain for a while,  at worst it will prove what I already know and struggle every day to forget - no human is to be trusted. There is no love I  this world. It is all an indefinite empty space filled with nothingness.

When I was young I learnt my values from Disney movies. My favourite princess was Ariel. Fearless,  remarkable,  charming,  honest,  lovely and loved. Her curse was that she lost her voice. I can relate to that. I can relate to every hero in every movie while ever leaves their loved ones or who chooses not to love or have friends at all - because they know it just won't last. I can relate because I've dreamt of being them all the while whilst growing up. Was that my subconscious warning me of what I was losing or had already lost?  

You can't hurt a child,  but you can hurt the adult that the child will become. Well,  I am hurt,  dad. And I have no way of telling you or mom or anyone ever. 

This is my curse.