got asked to write about this from church person not to give up ---------------i have this in me to do things but not within myself i have made myself ill to get past the finish linei can damage myself i can make myself illdestroy all i have to get therebut get there and find nothing i can even walk away from everything even if it kills me i can do suffering --------------------------------- stuck in the past yes ----------forward i dont see any forward --------------------------peters shadow fell on people and they were healdthis is what i meen by i see the shadow not a real shadow but what is more like a wake from a boat that people emotions leave------------------------------------------  forgiveness is the start of healingi do a lot of forgiving i can separate things that people do from the people themself  but the things people have done cant be changed -----------------------------hurtno one can hurt you more than yourself no one will sit with you 24 hours aday saying so many bad things about you they would quit but yourself wont stop-----------------------------angeri dont have anger only comes when i need to save myself and drag myself up anger for me is the start of the climb back to the surface at my lowest -------------------------------rejection they say no one can reject you but you ...looks fine in print but you try to live it it really doesnt work and try telling that to a child------------------------------------blame i dont do blame for long blame isnt a thing that you can hold on to ---------------------------------------fire in my bones ??? =  anger see above --fire on the inside anger is the first sign of healing i say-----------------------------------joy isnt a natural state the best to hope for is ok ok is consitant and better than sad -------------------------------lids on your life people need a lid or we become out of contolraw emotion will kill you ------------------------------------------- looking internal i grew up this way inside is all i have but i know not to dig it just hurts and you cant fix it so thats why this self searching church thing will just kill me i really meen that . if you want me walking in front of cars just tell me search your heart and that will get me there.i cant find a center self ,been there done it seen the cars close up ----------------------------------------------------------------its not self pity holding me back its fear and not just fear its the constant wave of peoples demands on me and being put in my weakest positions and asked to cope -------------------------------------- you surround yourself in an enviroment of faith but isnt that just hiding? from truth outside----------------------------------- do it afraid,,,wow but i do that a lot -------------------------------unforgiveness i got past that that is to hard to carry i let that go ---------------------------------------resentment im fairly ok with some issues with myself --------------------------------------------people are not the enemyto me they are,but it is my reaction to them so its meBut something i cant cope with i can act but i still feel it the same way 



I have seen some of her vids too.
I like her because she is up-beat.
I have a hard time with others telling me how to be though.
I need to FEEL it myself.

\"its not self pity holding me back its
fear and not just fear

its the constant
wave of peoples demands on me

and being put in my weakest positions and asked to cope \"


I think the church thing would be fine for you
because you are so wise and insightful.
you should lead a church!

can you take the good and leave the bad?
or re-phrase things so they work for you?

I think the fundamentals of spirituality are correct.

you just need to see your strengths and use them.
right now you are beaten down.