venting stuff out 20190613

The only way I know to get rid of things is to write them down sometimes...even if it makes no sense.

Dear Steven, 

It has now been two years that we have been apart. 

I know we were toxic.  I know you would never be able to stop drinking or even believe it's a problem.  I thought that it would kill me if I stayed.  I thought I could make a happy life eventually if I did the right thing and left.  I guess the joke is on me. 

Each day is mostly filled with despair and depression.  You are constantly in my dreams and in my thoughts every day.  Some people say that is to be expected after 15 years together and to just give it time.  Two years have passed and it's just as strong as ever.  There's less crying...the depression that has plagued me all my life is still there.  I'm mostly passing the time until this life ends.  I've met someone and we enjoy each other's company and I'm getting out exploring the world again.  but...  it's still always YOU on my mind.  I still think I made the right decision...but now I realize that some people just aren't meant to ever be happy.  I know that you are happy now that you can just be with your new girlfriend...maybe you never loved me at all.  I wonder sometimes if you did...if you even miss me at all.  I think it's all about not being alone for you and giving the appearance of a normal sober life.  For some reason today is exceptionally hard.  Maybe it is the approach of father's day coming up.  At least you were there for your kids even if you weren't always sober...that's more than I can say for my own father.  Maybe I have always been the one who was way more broken than you were.  After all there must be something really wrong if your own parent does not want you in their life.  I spent most of my adult life loving you....I guess I will keep spending it even if we are apart. 

I can hardly even listen to music...every song is about us in some way.  May the rest of this broken life pass quickly