updates

I haven't felt able to journal lately...I'm not sure why..the words just don't seem to come out.  I keep bouncing around between so many different emotions that I don't know which way is up. 

This morning it is sadness.  Steve's birthday is the 27th and I am unsure what to do ...if anything.  I don't want to send the wrong message but I don't want to ignore it either.

Sadness and anger:  why?  Why couldn't he just be what I needed him to be?  Why did it have to end up this way?  I love him and I don't really want to leave..but I have giving this more years than most people would have and I know it will not ever change. If I stay it will kill me...slowly, but it will.

If I am completely honest with myself, it was wrong from the start.  I can remember when I first moved here and realized he really had a drinking problem.  I can remember sitting on the steps of the house in Modesto and crying and thinking I should just go back to AZ while there was a chance I could get my job back.  I didn't....

I didn't want to admit that I had made a mistake...especially to my mom, who told me not to go.  Then, I got sick with the anxiety and I had nothing left to fight with for so many years...I just went through the motions.  Always too afraid of making any more mistakes, frozen with indecision.

15 years of my life are gone to this... 

This morning I feel sick...I ate really bad yesterday so that may have something to do with it.  panda express and chocolate cake...yes, I have gained most of the weight back.  I can't stop stress snacking.  whatever, one thing at a time.  Now, I am fighting the anxiety associated with that as well. 

He went on his customer fishing trip so I had a few days to myself.  He said he was coming home on Sunday.  Sat night I stayed over with my new friend. I got home about 7am to find he had come home on Sat night.  I walked to music blaring, the entire pot of coffee which I had set the night before i left, was completely gone and there was stuff spread all around the house. 

He was going through stuff, I guess trying to separate anything he thought was mine.  He told me I just needed to pack my shit and get out right now.  I asked him what his problem was.

the weekend before I had stayed around the house and he said that was driving him crazy, both of us moping around the house and that maybe I should just go spend time with my friend.  I told him I felt this had been a setup because now that I took his suggestion all hell had broken loose.  I told him all the things I had been doing to find a place to go.  He finally calmed down.  The rest of the day we didn't speak much.  Last night he got home late and just seemed sad.  The sadness is worse than the anger to me....harder for me to handle.  I feel at fault...like i am hurting him.  I just want all of this to be over.  It has been 141 days since I had a smoke