up down and all around.....

the times when we are alone and the times when we are lonely often meet .....that is happening to me right now.  5:31 am est, monday, dark out......

i woke in need of the bathroom....then realized it was a bit late.  the bedding was wet......it's embarrassing even in the privacy of your own home where no one knows and no one, say me for example needs to tell.  but tell i will as the journey is real not some tv show where there are either no bodily functions or so much information that it makes us all cringe and retreat.

i'm growing older.....not exactly a news flash for anyone.  but i got up and got after it.  stripped the comforter, the linens, the mattress pad.....sent myself to the showers as the washing machine got busy.  getting everything fresh, clean.....soft and nice.

but in that initial first half hour i felt more alone than at other times.  i wondered how long i will be able to meet this emergency on my own.  how long will i be able to fix things?  who talks about these things?  do i mention things like this too much?

mental wandering and wondering......i also feel more alone at dusk for this is when i imagine that others have others racing towards home......after work, for dinner, to interact with each other......to care for pets and kids and share their day.  family.....friends, roommates.....communication, laughter, hugs.....people, people who need people are the luckiest people in the world........ok miss streisand.....ok.  for some of us there is a lot of alone, even though we are living with others we still spend a majority of our time facing serious difficulty.  seeking ways to fill our thoughts so that we don't hold hands with sadness too often......

i realized that the last two times i was down for several days not involved with world news and events there was a terrible mass shooting in Las Vegas.....this time there was a terrible mass shooting in a small town in Texas.....in a church.  Killing so many.....so many......a five year old.....a 72 year old.  so much pain........hard to fathom why.  harder to understand gun laws in this country.  why do we need so many guns, so much ammunition? 

i don't truly want to debate these issues, it's more of a sense of bewilderment....hurt, loss, pain......questions, so many questions, but the main one is WHY?  why are so many people needing to kill?  i've been angry in my lifetime......not always proud of how that anger manifested......but to take a life?  to take lives?  i don't understand.......not at all.  most people can't.......we feel lost in the midst of devastation like this.

it's so dark out......a quarter to six.....somewhere out there someone is making the donuts......donuts are yummy no?

time to lighten up ......time to embrace each other in this darkness, despite this darkness.......we are alive.  quietly, sleepily, low energy and yet alive alive oh.......singing cockles and muscles alive alive oh.  where did that little ditty come from?  this tired mind that forgets so much now seems to be a steady stream of music bits.....

the second i typed the last word of the last phrase i heard Marily McCoo sing, "One less bell to answer, one less egg to fry.....one less man to keep up after........no morning after, no morning after........"

was that the sixties or the early seventies......"up, up and away in my beautiful my beautiful balloon........balloon.......

wouldn't you like to fly in my beautiful balloon........what would that be like, to walk outside our front doors right now, climb into a giant wicker basket (sans a toilet.......uh oh, oh no.....) and fly up up and away?  seeing fields and trees and all of life as we know it from a higher altitude.....with spotty memories of the wizard of oz dashing about.  would we be breathless?  terrified?  excited?  passed out in the bottom of that wicker tub?  chuckling, cause i think that would be a likely landing place for me.....or would we look out at this amazing vista on a fine morning in november.......seeing freedom, feeling joy?  i've always thought the balloons looked very beautiful soaring over the landscape, the bright colors against the horizon......

wonder how it felt way back when....long before anyone could actually leave on a jet plane......getting into that basket, hearing the hissing of the flame jetting us upward into the air....feeling the lunge and sway of the basket as we rise above terra firma......it's pretty amazing.....if i go will you come too?

don't let it all get to you too much ok?  and when it does get to you i'll hold your hand.....yup, my imaginary hand is holding your imaginary hand.  you can take that to the real bank and count on it.....our world, our needs are no less real than anyone else.....so let's hold on to each other through the miles and fly!