UP/down

Sunday Night I met with some of Cassi's work friends, her roommates, my sister, lori, and my best friend Ashley. we had dinner at olive garden. I had planned it as an event to remember cassi and honor her with funny stories. I took a scrapbook I had made several years ago. Everyone got a kick out of so many of the pictures of Little Cassi...in cowboy boots....in her frilly pink tutu for ballet class...how I dressed her as a doll when she was a baby...how unbelievable her eyes were...sapphire blue that would turn pale grey-blue as she got older. it was really nice and I am so grateful to have these people in my life...new friends, compliments of my cassi. I couldn't help, however, of feeling sad. sad that we were there together, having a nice dinner, because of her but she couldn't be there with us. I am so thankful that she had such great people in her life.today I went to a therapy appointment. it went much better than I expected. I have a female counselor named Gina. she looks very young but is actually 35, I felt better when she told me that. she also has some specialized training in suicide survivors, so I felt even better. some of the things she talked about I agreed with and some not, but we will just have to work thru that. most of the time she was just acknowledging my sadness and, like everyone else telling me it wasn't my fault because I gave cassi the gun. I still don't really believe that. she was so impulsive, I know if she had seriously planned it there would have been no stopping her, but she had plans. We were supposed to go see Elton john...the veronica mars movie was coming out. she and her best friend lucas were planning to see it for so long. fans of the show actually donated the money to make the movie and both cassi and lucas had made donations. Veronica mars fans are serious about their veronica mars. the show was cancelled way too soon so the fans rallied, started donating movie to the cause, and actually forced some production company to make the movie. anyway, what I am saying, is even if she had the thought of suicide for many years, as I believe she did, had the gun not been there at that particular time she would not have used it. it's as simple as that. I know people are well-intentioned but I really, really do NOT like it when they try to tell me that it was not my fault and that I carry no responsibility. I believe I do...whether you feel I do or not is irrelevant. don't disregard my feelings of guilt or try to talk me out of them. they are there, very real to me, and something I will have to work out on my own. it feels like, to me, almost like saying, "Well, you don't have to worry about that" which is dangerously close to "Get over it" which might provoke physical violence someday. no one has said that to per se...but a lot of comments seen to be inching towards it and I feel a rage I cant put into words, very animalistic. just the thought makes me feel, to my core, attack! attack! attack! like I said...i'm fairly certain I have a few fights in my future.My Beloved Brinel, Hayley's grandmother, found the most amazing article and forwarded it to me today. The author is a mother who had lost her son to suicide four years ago. There were so many feeling I had that I just could not explain. she had the words...she described my feelings. I don't like it when anyone describes me as "Strong" or "Doing Well". I am not strong and I am not doing well, not at all. if it appears that way either you aren't looking close enough or you just don't know me. it also seems, to me, that you are disregarding the pain I am feeling, Either way...I don't need your opinion on how I am doing. if you want to ask, and I feel you are being genuine, and I am in the mood to share, and the stars are lined up just right...maybe I will tell you. if I blow you off, take it well and move on. I promise it's not the time to push the issue or to even keep talking in general. NEVER, EVER speak of "moving on" or "getting over it". I will never move on, I will grieve the loss of my precious child the rest of my days. Using the words "get over it" or anything approaching it  or that I even perceive as approaching it will put me into that attack mode I described above and I will probably try to dig your eyeballs out with my fingernails...or something else instinctive and primal and animalistic.However...please, please ask me about cassi, or tell me stories about cassi...I promise, the chance to share my stories or the opportunity to hear yours are a gift to me. The greatest gift you can give me. I will probably cry...don't try to stop me, again it feels as though you are not acknowledging my pain and are uncomfortable with it. my pain is always on display or barely under the surface. A relationship of any kind with me is not for the faint of heart. if you can't handle that and we must part ways I hope we can do it with as little drama as possible, I have had enough, You see. I need a very simple life anyway, with only the closest and most dedicated friends and family members. It won't be easy to be in my world, but it never really has...only the truly devoted will make the cut.There are only 2 phases of my life that I acknowledge now...before, and after. I was never the life of the party, I was always an introvert that felt more comfortable one-on-one or maybe in small groups...but I was pretty light-hearted, at least compared to now. There is an aura of sadness around me. in time, I hope to have an aura of wisdom as well...the kind of wisdom earned after only the most painful events have been endured. I always had a big heart, was always full of compassion, but I hope to grow those as well...watered by my tears and fertilized in a rich loam of forgiveness. It's not moving on, it's not getting over it, it's honoring my child.I wish I could say I wrote this thought, but I am paraphrasing something written by another mother, a sister of the heart. I loved my child before she was born and not even death will ever threaten our bond.