Untitled
It's been a while since my last entry. A lot has happened, I've been working on controlling my anxiety. I've been working on controlling my feelings towards Mo because I know they will lead to a disaster. It's been taking a big part of my thought lately. Im always thinking of him or the situation I'm in. I talk about him whenever I get the chance. I spent my entire session in therapy last week talking about him. I never spend that much time talking about a guy. I'm also so confused about how to deal with this. It shouldn't be so complicated. I mean logic says that there can never be a future there between us. Even if he does feel the same way. The way I thought about it is as follows: If he likes me back we date or whatever we're a thing and then I'm with someone who is as insecure with himself as I am. That is a recipe for disaster for several reasons.
1. He was in love with one of my closest friends, I believe he still is. Nothing happened between them, but he told her he likes her and she turned him down. I am insecure about myself, we all hangout in the same group, I won't be able to help but think is he still in love with her? Is he cheating on me with her? Does he like/love me as much as he did her? It will drive me insane. It will also drive a wedge between me and my friend.
2. He is also very insecure and extremely demanding. He wants someone to baby him and take care of him and constantly be with him. I can't do that constantly because I don't know how to be that close with someone. Not to mention I'm not stable enough to be with someone else who's not so stable. We will only drag each other down.
3. He is in the I want to get married phase and I'm getting old because he's almost 30. I can't help but think, what if he's only with me because he wants someone. Because he's lonely. It only makes me feel worse about myself. Not to mention I'm no where near ready for that kind of commitment.
4. I sometimes wonder that this might be a form of revenge for him, taking out the fact that he was turned down by my friend and all that. What if I'm just a rebound?!
And if I admit that I like him and he doesn't like me back, then I'm in an awkward position because we work in the same office (but not together) and spend nine hours a day five days a week there. And I'm also gonna be in a shit load of pain and embarrassment. So telling him and taking a risk isn't much of an option here. I thought about backing away from the relationship we have now because we're close and we constantly talk about a lot of things I wouldn't normally talk to people about unless they're close, but it'd be like what the fuck why are you suddenly backing away. And another thing is the rest of our group is starting to push him out because he's been acting aggressive and rude when in groups and acts as if he doesn't give a shit about anyone -I believe it's because of the rejection and he wants to show my friend that he's not hurt by her and he doesn't care, but I know he does a lot. So anyway they're starting to push him out and I don't want him to think that I did too just because that's what they're doing because it's not. I want to cut him out because I don't know how else to not have feelings for him. I don't know how to let go of these feelings that shouldn't be there without putting myself in that awkward situation and pain. So yeah I'm faced with this dilemma I guess and not sure how to approach things.
I know I don't deserve much, but the one thing I promised myself I would never do is be in an abusive relationship. And if this were to happen, this would definitely fall under that. It will drain me. I will be constantly thinking of how he doesn't feel the same way I do about him, how he feels more towards my friend, how I'm obliged to spend hours talking and chatting and details all things that I don't do. Yes I know I have to compromise in a relationship but in this I'd be losing a lot more than I would be gaining. And I don't think that would be fair or sane for me. And considering my unstable state of mind recently I don't think this is a road I should take.
Replies
Well Autum sounds like you have the first move here. Turn the bad to good and have nothing to do with him anymore. The cold hard truth as I see it. But this is only my opion I dont know the whole story and /or what it involves.If theres kids involved then you and him must bit the bullet and take it all on yourselfs. I am vary sorry. Iether way.
I agree with you, lost girl. Some relationships just cannot go anywhere and it's best not to even mention your feelings. That's my opinion. I went through this situation over the summer where there was a mutual attraction between me and a guy and we had great chemistry, but there were huge red flags about him and we lived over 2 hours apart. So we played it cool. I thought we could be friends but his red flag behavior prevented that. He wasn't respectful to me and my time so I had to cut him loose. There is another guy I've had feelings for for years but he is married so I will never mention it. Having him in my life is too important. There's nothing to gain by telling him because it can never go anywhere. Sometimes you can keep these people as friends, other times, you have to cut them loose.
I think that you have realy thought this through .....I read everything you rote .....and you make sence ...some relationships just aren't good for us ..even if we are attracted ..to each other ...only some of the right ingreadants are there ...and unless we have all the right ingredients.....like a cake it flops ....and do we realy want to go through that pain ....can we go through that pain ..is it worth it to us ...these are questions we have to think about ......the kind of hard questions you are asking your self .......now you have to lisen to your intuition ......I will keep you in my prayers ......God bless
There ya go one at a time is progress wheather it feels like it or not.