Unsure
Recently I've been having a hard time as soon as it gets late.. this always happens, my depression sets in when it's late. The past week or so I've gotten into bed as soon as I've gotten home.. around dinner time.. I'm usually passing out before 8pm and try to avoid the late night sadness. Some nights I still feel it, some nights I can't sleep that early, like tonight, it's almost midnight and I'm up writing this. My depression won't consume me, I know that, it's not that bad, it's just residual feelings from my miscarriage two years ago, I mean.. It took me a year to finally process it happened and have a break down and go to counselling/therapy.. do people expect me to be fine the year after that happens?
I've been seeing this guy, Daniel, he's my ex from when I was 15-16, he was my first true love, and my 'first'. He's always been a huge part of my heart and we've been friends forever, we lost touch once or twice but in the past few years we've talked a lot more and now we're seeing where things could go. He knows I had the miscarriage, he knows about my health issues, the fact I may not be able to have kids because of the damage from the miscarriage and the fact we still have no clue what's wrong with my body-most likely ovarian cysts that can cause infertility. He knows all about me, my health problems, mental problems.. he's been around through all the issues my family has had.. But, I'm not sure how to tell him what I'm going through right now, or if I even should. When we're together, we're perfect, we're happy and he genuinely cares about me.. which is part of why I feel I can talk to him, but at the same time, I'm not sure I want to bring up a miscarriage I had almost 2 years ago with my ex fiance on new years.. I mean, it's been brought up recently, but I'm not too sure I want to bring up the negative emotions I'm feeling.. I want the holidays to be enjoyable for us, and I want us to be able to enjoy new years together.. I'm just not sure what to do.
He's super sweet, he tells me he's in this for the long run, he's brought up marriage and kids, where we'd live, how we'd raise our children.. he holds me in his arms as we lay in bed together listening to music and just existing together.. just laying there, as a unit. He makes me feel incredible, it's how he's always made me feel. We're not even officially together, and he talks about these things, it makes me feel as though he does truly care and he does truly want this to work. He's not just in it for superficial reasons, he wants a future together and that means something to me. I told my best friend before that he was the love of my life, he was the life changing love that would never be forgotten, and it's true. It's been 5-6 years since we've been together and I still have always had feelings for him. I used to plan when I'd go into his work to buy something and put effort into making sure I looked real good, partially to make him see what he gave up.. what he lost. Last year we hung out, and he told me he'd been in love with me for the past 5 years, that he never stopped loving me or wanting to be with me.. that he was just too young and immature at the time. I didn't date him a year ago because as amazing as it was to see that side of him, I wasn't entirely sure it was true, but over the past year he has been there for me, and he's shown me he was true to his word.
The whole purpose of writing tonight wasn't to gush about him, and how he treats me.. more-so to decide if I should tell him that I've been having trouble with the miscarriage stuff, or if I should leave it be and enjoy the times we're together. I fear it'll come up closer to the holidays and new years, I'm not sure if 'warning' him in advance would be better or worse.. I don't want him to feel like I'm fragile and could break at any moment, but if we're going to try being together should I open up about this and have him know?
I might just wait.. see how things play out with my emotions. Maybe if they start to effect me during the day I'll tell him.. I just don't want to ruin the holidays for someone else.
I've been seeing this guy, Daniel, he's my ex from when I was 15-16, he was my first true love, and my 'first'. He's always been a huge part of my heart and we've been friends forever, we lost touch once or twice but in the past few years we've talked a lot more and now we're seeing where things could go. He knows I had the miscarriage, he knows about my health issues, the fact I may not be able to have kids because of the damage from the miscarriage and the fact we still have no clue what's wrong with my body-most likely ovarian cysts that can cause infertility. He knows all about me, my health problems, mental problems.. he's been around through all the issues my family has had.. But, I'm not sure how to tell him what I'm going through right now, or if I even should. When we're together, we're perfect, we're happy and he genuinely cares about me.. which is part of why I feel I can talk to him, but at the same time, I'm not sure I want to bring up a miscarriage I had almost 2 years ago with my ex fiance on new years.. I mean, it's been brought up recently, but I'm not too sure I want to bring up the negative emotions I'm feeling.. I want the holidays to be enjoyable for us, and I want us to be able to enjoy new years together.. I'm just not sure what to do.
He's super sweet, he tells me he's in this for the long run, he's brought up marriage and kids, where we'd live, how we'd raise our children.. he holds me in his arms as we lay in bed together listening to music and just existing together.. just laying there, as a unit. He makes me feel incredible, it's how he's always made me feel. We're not even officially together, and he talks about these things, it makes me feel as though he does truly care and he does truly want this to work. He's not just in it for superficial reasons, he wants a future together and that means something to me. I told my best friend before that he was the love of my life, he was the life changing love that would never be forgotten, and it's true. It's been 5-6 years since we've been together and I still have always had feelings for him. I used to plan when I'd go into his work to buy something and put effort into making sure I looked real good, partially to make him see what he gave up.. what he lost. Last year we hung out, and he told me he'd been in love with me for the past 5 years, that he never stopped loving me or wanting to be with me.. that he was just too young and immature at the time. I didn't date him a year ago because as amazing as it was to see that side of him, I wasn't entirely sure it was true, but over the past year he has been there for me, and he's shown me he was true to his word.
The whole purpose of writing tonight wasn't to gush about him, and how he treats me.. more-so to decide if I should tell him that I've been having trouble with the miscarriage stuff, or if I should leave it be and enjoy the times we're together. I fear it'll come up closer to the holidays and new years, I'm not sure if 'warning' him in advance would be better or worse.. I don't want him to feel like I'm fragile and could break at any moment, but if we're going to try being together should I open up about this and have him know?
I might just wait.. see how things play out with my emotions. Maybe if they start to effect me during the day I'll tell him.. I just don't want to ruin the holidays for someone else.
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