Unplanned Binge.

So last Sunday I drank.  Yup, been on my high horse about having a plan to wait to February.  Sure, sure.....that didn't work out.  My friend next door was having a big party with all the digital nomads I always mention.  I can see her house from my house.  I had to teach English online intermittenly all day so that was my excuse why I didn't go.  But I wanted to go.....I did, but I didn't.  I was lonely but I felt so nervous.  So I decided, after having a particularly frustrating few hours teaching English that I was gonna drink a couple shots at the local shop (they sell whisky by the shot here for a 1 buck a shot) and then go back and catch anybody who was still hanging around at the party.  I'm lame, I know.  So I went and did this and got pretty buzzed and came back to my friends house but everyone was gone except my friend and boyfriend.  We went out to get some food and while we were out I bought a pint of whiskey and some beer.  Went home and drank the beer and woke up the next day and drank my whiskey.  Drunk texted some people and put some weird stuff on my instagram, like the loser that I am.  Then I went out to the club where the Thai guy that I had alienated a few weeks back worked.  He was there and I sat with him and his friends and drank and then we went to an afterparty. I didn't even pay attention to the guy, I was so drunk but not too drunk that I was having swell conversations with other people.  it was pretty fun, to tell the truth but then I got so drunk and was trying to get more beer later on after I had departed ways with the Thai people and other partygoers.  When I was at a store trying to get beer, I had a breakdown, and the store keeper just let me stay in his room above his shop.  Thai people are so nice.  This also has to do with my hitchiking past.  The universe does take care of me to a certain extent.  I had my own room and everything, and no creepy sex.   The only thing I fucked up with my binge is I once again missed my teaching for my visa.  This is the 3rd or 4th time, and it's really not good.  Deep down I hate teaching English.  I don't hate it--there are worse things--but I don't like it.  And that's all I'm good for here, teaching English to everyone.  That's how I make money.  And yet I know no Thai.  Sigh.  I felt like death the past two days detoxing.  My depression is so deep when I have a hangover it's incapacitating and harrowing and I feel suicidal.  Today is day three of being sober.  I stopped drinking on the 20th.  I am going to start counting my days again. In fifteen minutes I am headed out to go teach for an hour for my visa.  I think everything will be ok with my visa, I just have to stop drinking.  I need to stop.  It's like....I have so much going for me if I didn't have this fucking monkey on my back.  It's that drinking triggers this bipolar thing in me.  I get so manic and have so much fun and then I get so depressed it's scary.  I have no balance or stability when I am like that and can never be a reliable person as long as this is in my life.

I don't ever want to be that depressed again.  I am going to AA tomorrow.  And my neigbhor is now my accountability buddy for my business.  He is starting a business too.  We met yesterday and set a goal to reach for Friday.  Today we are going to a big co-working space together.  I am going to change my habits.  Less alone time.  Get out of the house and go do my work at co-working spaces.  I am going to go to AA here once or twice a week.  I need community with peoiple who understand my addiction and depression.  What else am I going to change?  Start telling myself I really cannot drink.  I just feel so powerless when I get struck by the urge.  

Well five minutes and then I'm going to leave.  I like children.  This is only for an hour.  I will be ok.  I have a lesson that I taught before so it won't be hard.   I just always hated school....I mean I excelled at it and I love learning, but I hate that feeling of being judged and watched and rules, etc. etc.   So thank goodness i don't work in a government school.  i'm going to get my other shit going though.  I am really happy I have an accountability buddy and also realize that I need to get out of my house to do work everyday.  That's the main thing I am going to change.  Sometimes I go for days without interacting with someone, and I like that, but it's too much and is probably contributing to my drinking binges.  I had gotten my binges under wraps for those 4 months a while back when I was sober.  now they are happening every month and I just want it to stop.  So much bad shit has come with it and I don't need anymore.  Ok.  here i go, onward with responsiblities.