unbelievable

I didnt want to believe it but here I am feeling dread and sadness all because my ex contacted me with just a few short words to ask for his money back. How is he still effecting me this way??? I have to tell myself and have others tell me he's already pursuing another girl. He's been gone well before we were a couple, he never loved me the way he said. He only wanted someone to give him an ego boost and not be lonely. Admitidly I also didnt want to be lonely but I at least didnt use him and then just up and leave the way he kept believing I would. 

I tried, god knows I tried so hard and its still so hard to tell myself that I couldnt be enough for him because he always wants more. And that hurts, I've tried to be a people pleaser most of my life so its hit me pretty hard. I've been working on myself and I'm slowly learning to change my attitdue and stop caring about what people think of me. But till I'm fully there I'm afraid this pain will just keep nagging me saying, " you wernt enough, you didnt do enough, you lost someone wonderful and-" God why cant it shut up??!! He was wonderful in the begining when he poured on the charm so damn thick if blinded me from all the obviouse signs that we were not meant to be together AT ALL.

So what if I wasnt enough for him? He wasnt enough for me as well, unlike him I did my damndest to be there even while I was stressed out most of the time. I at least pushed my problems aside so I could listen to his issues when he needed it. HIM on the other hand, his tunnle vision only let him see his own problems and mine were just too much for his emotionally stunted brain to comprehend.

I confirmed with my therapist, friends and people on here that my problems are not that bad. They only got that bad because he made me believe I was just trying to drag him down with me and make him hurt, play mind games and be a drama queen. The way I vent is a bit unhealthy but it didnt effect anyone else to the point where they got in my face and said I was just trying to hint at either killing myself or wanting to break up. And I've constantly been talking about the same problems over and over and over. And no one has said it is annoying because everyone knows its just a natural thing to do. Human beings cant help but repeat something terrible thats happened out loud to clear their head. I've learned that its ok to feel this way, I'ts ok to bring up the same problems over and over again so long as I'm trying to learn.

It feels amazing to know it was not me completely. I know I messed up when I didnt stand my ground and tell him from the begining that I will not compete with his computer for his attention and I will not be with someone who cant get over themselves and just listen when I need to vent. I am not a monster, I am not a drama queen, I am working on my bad habits and I WILL NOT let anything he says get to me anymore.