ugh, and then some

a thousand miles away... and he's doing the no contact thing. spontaneously. he was texting me sunday, and told me to call him that night. well all this is hard for me, and i'm trying to get over this hump of desperately missing him. calling him at this time is only going to make it harder. he knows this. we talked about this on the phone last week. anyhow, sunday afternoon i got burnt to a crisp by the sun. i spent the evening with friends until 11. i got home tired and sore and hot and not in a space to talk to him. so i texted him and let him know this. you would think that someone who had asked you to call them would respond at least to a text. nothing. nothing from him since sunday when he told me to call him, and it's tuesday night. what's going on? he doesn't get to call the shots. it's not only about him. what a fucking brat. and i'm letting it get to me...
the woman in oregon who wants to hire me wants to move me up asap. i don't think she realizes the cost... i've got two dogs and two cats and a trailer's worth of belongings, not to mention the need for the apartment, the deposits, the first and maybe last month's rent... we're talking three to four thousand dollars here. plus i want to see my mom in january, but in portland there will be nobody to watch the animals for free... i'm going to talk with her tomorrow. but at the moment i'm just feeling this kind of skepticism, like, have i found yet another person that wants me to do things their way? because i'm not going to cave anymore. my resume post said january. i'm coming in january. it's not that far away. i really don't want to move up to a new place on someone else's dime. that puts me in a subservient position, and i'm just now escaping from one of those...
but back to the boyfriend thing... he makes out like he is mister faithful and that i have to trust him. well, i have my own trust issues, which are founded upon the fact that i have yet (other than my very first love) to be with someone with whom i am able to trust not to put it into some other woman when the opportunity arises. granted, if i go by how shy and awkward he was the first time we slept together, it's not likely he is cheating, but what is a woman supposed to think when her boyfriend is a thousand miles away and not responding to her texts or answering her calls??? but i know the answer. she is supposed to think: he has borderline personality disorder. he isolates when he is triggered, even over long distances. he'll come back around, or he won't, but there's nothing you can do to control the situation, nor will there ever be, so try and let it go.
i sound so smart. so wise. but i'm completely uncomforted by my own wisdom. this shit sucks. 
it's terrible, but i'm starting to see the reality of how cold he can be. and believing i can find warmth somewhere that isn't from him. ultimately, i am supposed to find that warmth within myself, to be able to give myself that love without needing it from another person. or at least that's what "they" say... maybe it's bullshit, though. we need love and warmth from one another. we're pack mammals, not independent snakes. but then somebody had to go and invent monogamy and housing and job security and the nuclear family, and then somebody else had to come up with prozac and television and video games and hostess cupcakes to help us cope with the stress of this relatively new lifestyle. then come type 2 diabetes, side effects, and disconnection, all contradicted by the concept that our lives are supposed to be as perfect as those we see on tv. we try to reconnect with our world and our community through glowing screens that cause eye strain and headaches and addictive behaviors... really, what have we done to ourselves? how can we define what healthy is when we obviously have no idea?
i think we do need love. and we need human contact, human touch. but i know i'm fucked up enough that i shun it. it scares me. the basic characteristic of primatehood scares me. and i think it scares a lot of people. but then we can't live without it, so those of us who are most terrified run carelessly, over and over again, into painful relationships that allow us to fulfill our primal need for touch and companionship while still maintaining a fearful distance. 
whoa. shit. learning about myself is more painful than the relationship i'm in. but i think this relationship happened to me so i could do just that...