Two's company, not...a crowd?

I've always been absolutely sure that anything more than me and my dog in the apartment is absolutely a crowd. It's a one bedroom place which means whenever I have guests, they sleep in the living room. It's a mostly open floor plan as well so the only way to not see everything and everyone is to go to the bathroom or hide in my bedroom. To me, that's a big deal. One of the absolute joys of having anxiety is the constant conviction that you are being watched and judged at all times. I just couldn't relax if someone else was in my apt. Plus, I'm kinda touchy about noice, most likely from the ADD. The crunching of chips, music from the phone, or whatever sound from his twitching can be like sawpaper on my nerves. As my mind settles, so does the paranoia.

Today was a very frustrating day. Idiots at work, coming down from an energy drink, boss came in unexpectedly, etc. I was convinced that coming home to another person would make me crash further. And it didn't start well by any means. My brother's been coming to stay with me on about two weeks a month for over a year and there are certain behaviors and rules that have been established. Its very irritating when they are not abided by and he procrastinated a bit. But we started to talk, addressed why I was irritated and where I was overreacting. He let me rant about the two stupidest moments of the day and helped me take the extra chair to the dumpster. He told me some stories from school, we bonded over the occasional absurdity of my mother (his step-mother). And now we're watching B99 together and I'm not losing my mind. 

Am I little annoyed at points? Yes. But now it's when he's actively being annoying and not just when he's existing in the same room. I'm less anxious as a whole. And I'm more comfortable acting normally. Watching TV, typing this journal, practicing on Dulingo. I'm not hiding in my room just waiting for the next sound to freak me out. I have an anxiety balloon in my chest but it's smaller then usual and not constant. Plus, we're hugging again. It feels really great. 

It's hard to find the balance between self-care and being selfish. I don't have to banish myself to my room in an attempt not to inconvience my brother. I also don't get to dictate what furniture he's allowed to sit on. It's okay to ask him to throw away his trash, especially if he's crinkling it constantly. It's not okay to get infuriated everytime he moves or laughs. Clearly, it's apparent I have difficulty with extremes. It helps to keep a dialogue open and to trust his answers when I ask if everythings okay and what his preferences are. I'm also trying to keep his interestes in mind. B99, Warehouse 13, occasional cooking shows are things I know he likes, so I'm putting those on instead of Amy Poehler's new show or Outlander. 

Plus he's a great kid. It's nice to have a good relationship with my favorite sibling. And to be able to do more then tolerate other human beings at best and hate them and myself at worst.