TW Childhood Rape
I have been working with my therapist to unlocked some memories I had of swimming at the YMCA which I loved. They memories always seemed black and bad. So three weeks of working on this I know that I was orally raped by a gang of kids (4) in the locker room and elsewhere (I was 6 they were 10 and 9) like the playground, in the woods, in my home as I was a latch key kid. The other part is the 10-year-old was huge and a bully to all the children. He got his growth spurt first and then used it on the smaller kids like a 6-year-old. He would lead me deep into the woods and there anally rape me. There were also the threats of violence or being the bully's number one victim. These rapes went on and off for three years till I thankfully move away. I was raped and I don't know what to do with that information. I can get no justice and getting angry isn't going to help. I blocked those memories for a reason to make myself happier but now that I know what do I do?
Replies
I wish I had suppressed my abuse. Every day I remember it and it frightens me.
I truly hope you can process and work through your abuse with your therapist
Huge hug for you Thor.... I am so sorry that these terrible things happened to you.... It's great that you're working with your therapist
She/he will help you to work through the pain and anger and realize that now this bully can't hurt you....You can grieve safely for that little boy....A lot of children block things due to being so out of control in childhood.... I have done the same thing as well..... Baby steps..... xo
Hugs of support to you. Stay safe with the guidance of your therapist. I’m sorry this has happened to you.... be gentle with yourself as you move forward in therapy and the brighter future ahead. Big hugs.
I agree with Lady.... Let the therapist know if he/she is going to fast.....xo
I'm sorry this happened to you Thor....the feelings you must have now I can't even come close to...except to share my experience with you. My son was molested/sexual assault when he was in the Boy Scouts, 10 years old. He was in a tent with another boy who was assaulted similar to you. I brought him to a special sexual assault therapist where he processed for a year what happened. It took a year, but all was dealt with after a Year of terrible harassments by this boy and his friends against John and the other boy.
In the end the boy was arrested and taken out of school. None too soon and I still to this day don't understand the parents who allowed him to ride a bus each day and attend school each day. It's beyond me. I do think though that this boy was also sexually assaulted because of how he spoke to the boy he raped. "This will teach you how to be a man"...this doesn't take away the memory, it does help me to forgive and better understand...this Does Not Mean I have forgiven the action, but I have forgiven to let go of the anger and pain both my son and I lived through...it took Many Years to get to this place.
I can only suggest you be gentle with yourself, and understand 'this was done to you' and you are Not Responsible. That Boy Was Sick...With your therapist's help, perhaps you could write a letter or using a chair (to sit opposite to you) speak what you would say today to let out your emotions.
To look at a positive, I hope, perhaps this deep memory is what is causing your depressions. Now, the hard work will be to process until an understanding and healing takes place. Keep in mind as an adult you have lived a very successful life, married and had (children?) And have worked hard to find your way through the maze of depression and not given in and continue to fight to live your life. My thoughts are with you (((Hugs)))
The first step towards healing often begins with writing it out. This is after exposing the memory within the safety and secure moment of working with a therapist in an office visit.
The part of healing that allows the painful moment to be presented and give you the opportunity to release it and let it go for your recovery, takes many different paths. You are so much stronger for being able to ask yourself 'now that I know, what do I do?'. You choose. There are many options, suggestions, ideas, and each of them begins with your well-being coming first.
Be gentle with yourself through all the stages of grief pain. That's the best way I can describe the process of sexual abuse aimed towards children by children who are 'bullies, abusers, and .possible victims' themselves. I've had a few stories shared with me, by friends, about abuse happening while we were growing up. What each of them has mentioned is that in the sharing, acceptance of reality (I believe you), and allowing for the words of anger to be expressed out loud and with the attached physical sensation (one girl threw a pillow at the memory) gives them the courage to continue with their challenge to a better balance.
It often does not go away completely, however, it becomes a tool to help you maintain calm in situations where you normally would react in a strong way. The depression within this memory is powerful - so when the full release comes, it may bring in waves of relief in many directions.
You are not alone in this. Support, acceptance, understanding, and being a part of the recovery process is what each person is providing.
So sorry this happened, Thor, but it happened to me, too, when I was 10 and 11 and when the time was right and it was safe and I was supported, it really improved my life to get it out and process the pain. Hope it does for you, too. We're here to see you through,
Thor, sorry this happened to you. Your therapist can help with processing and coping. Have you tried DBT? Sending you support.