Tuesday eve
Hello SOTH - I made it past my first Mother's Day without my daughter - I didn't think I could do it. Emotions are powerful and sometimes I let them control my thoughts...yikes!! I had my counseling appt. today (seeing a therapist for over 1 year (after my mom died) and I was once again reassured that my feelings, are normal. However I do have an underlying anger that she encouraged me to "kick box", go to a batting cage, go golf, just go do something to release that anger that I must feel....After working all day, my energy level is so low that the thought of doing something makes me more tired....What are some ways that you sisters dealt with anger....?
I can hear my mom's voice so many times saying "pull up your boot straps", keep going...no time to cry, no time to be angry..."you have too much to be thankful for". Don't feel sorry for yourself...blah blah blah
I know all that is true but sometimes I want to be mad! sometimes I want to cry, be sad that I lost my only child....sometimes I don't want to smile....I hope my mom can understand because I still hear her voice...keep going......sigh! I am rambling with random thoughts....Thanks once again for being there...
Every day I pray for all of you and this journey. Vicki
I can hear my mom's voice so many times saying "pull up your boot straps", keep going...no time to cry, no time to be angry..."you have too much to be thankful for". Don't feel sorry for yourself...blah blah blah
I know all that is true but sometimes I want to be mad! sometimes I want to cry, be sad that I lost my only child....sometimes I don't want to smile....I hope my mom can understand because I still hear her voice...keep going......sigh! I am rambling with random thoughts....Thanks once again for being there...
Every day I pray for all of you and this journey. Vicki
Replies
It is absolutely okay and perfectly normal to cry, scream, rage, and not want to smile after a loss as great as ours. I just had my 2nd Mother\'s Day without Vinny, and even though it started out fine, I had a hissy fit melt down 1/2 way through the day that resulted in me crying in bed for an hour and being bitchy to my husband because I am the Mom - a Mom who lost her child and is still broken. It was perfectly okay to do. I am sure your Mom did not mean those words in the particular situation of grieving over your child.
I think you are doing an amazing job.
Vicki, rambling is ok... that\'s what we are here for... we understand.
I have copied my mom\'s way of handling anger... slam cabinet doors (not glass ones though)... like was said, I don\'t think your mom had this particular situation in mind... anger is ok, sorrow is ok, crying is ok... in fact, YOU are entitled to what ever feeling you have.
Hugs, MaryLou
I\'m mad and I\'m sad and I cry and you should too! This totally sucks (and I don\'t use that word in polite conversation). I am not normally a cusser, but when I am all alone in the house or in the car, I scream, \"F---\" over and over again in a very loud volume. It\'s my only good outlet for the anger that wells up in me. Then, I often cry and light the candle next to my son\'s urn. Figure out what works for you -- I\'m sure your mom would be happy to see you have a release, whatever that is for you personally. Wishing you peace -- Laura
Would that really be what your mother would say with this loss? Please do not put that pressure on yourself and grieve, mourn and wail all that you need to and for as long as you need to. There are no expectations, timetables or goals on this path and you feelings are yours and they matter because YOU do.
I am glad you are seeing your therapist and anger gets a bad rap in my opinion. Sometimes we just must feel our anger and allow it to inform us. Find a safe way to release it and I know I do a lot of releasing in the shower. I just let the water flow, the tears come and I have full blown conversations in there as well. Getting out everything that needs releasing and surprised at how easily it can build up when I\'m not aware to dump.
Some need to shout at the top of their lungs, punch pillows, sob, exercise till they drop, break cheap plates... You will find a way to release and I\'m sure others will share too.
Lots and lots of gentle care my friend and grateful we have one another to walk this path with.
XO Joanie
I was SOO mad!!! I HAD to release it or go insane!
\"MY\" way was to scream in the shower or in my car....to punch pillows (while screaming) and to break dishes (while screaming).....wonder what the lady at the dollar store thought about me buying dishes?? I even bought some to send to another mom.
Walking was and still is a HUGE help to me. There is just something about being physical, and for me, something about being outside. I love to walk in the woods where I can be alone with my thoughts and around our lake where I can feel the sunshine on my face.
I do believe your mom is \"gently\" guiding you toward healing, but I do not believe the words you\'ve chosen to \"hear\" are truly hers....at least not the intent of those words. I believe you have \"colored\" her love energy with your own thoughts. We are always SO much harder on ourselves, about everything, than anyone else is. And your mom is living in a place of total peace and LOVE....therefore she, I believe, will speak to you from that energy....Peace and Love.
You will find YOUR way to release. The only \"rule\" is no self harm.
Much love and many prayers~~Teri
Vicki, anger is a normal stage of the grief process. I screamed & raged & cried in the shower. I wrote out my rage in journals both on paper & here. I walked a lot...it helped to dissipate some of the negative energy that threatened to consume me. I was so angry at the hand I was dealt!
While sadness, anger etc are all \"normal\" stages of grief there is nothing right or normal about burying our child. Life kicked us in the teeth. Feel what you need to feel and over time and with support and love, you will begin to heal.
Much love to you and dear Jennifer, Linda
Who are you angry at? I figured out that I was angry at my son for leaving us behind, especially his one year old son. It is so hard to tell anyone in the family that. I know that he would not have done it if he was not broken beyond repair, but he left a mess of emotions for all of us.
Finally, all last week before Mother\'s Day, I started having conversations with Patrick as if I was there with him when he died. I told him what I would have said at the time. Yelled at him to not do this, think of your family etc. after three days of scolding and pleading in my best Mom voices, I felt a sense of release. Maybe just yelling at or pleading to whoever you feel is responsible May help.
I just felt so bad that I wasn\'t there to protect him so I simply made believe I was. I am praying for you always and just wish I could rock you through these horrific days. Just notice sometimes when you are still...look around with new eyes and see that our Father is rocking you too. He hates to see his babies cry. Lauri
You shouldn\'t repress your emotions or you will never get better...feel every emotion, let it run thru you and take you over...give it whatever time it needs and eventually you will be ably to let it go. Everyone from my doctors, friends and family are trying to get me to exercise... Nope!!! I don\'t want to...maybe someday I will but not now.
No one has to \"understand\", no on needs to approve of our anger, it is legitimate and normal. Gina is correct: you must express your anger just as you express your grief. I am very angry now, angry even at God for allowing this to destroy my daughter. Feelings aren\'t rational, they are emotions and we are entitled to them. The anger will subside someday, I trust. Meanwhile, when you hear that \"voice\" telling you to \"pull up your boot straps.....look at what you have to be thankful for\" it\'s not your mother speaking, it\'s everything evil. Tell it to go to hell. Kick boxing? Are you serious? I don\'t think anyone who hasn\'t experienced what we have has one clue as to what we \"should\" and \"should not\" do.
I so understand the complete exhaustion. I have done and do scream at the top of my lungs (I close the windows - i live in a condo and don\'t want a visit from the police).
I also write. I write letters to Lisa and tell her how angry I am. I also write when things are okay. I know she understands so I can tell her what I want. I believe that we do need to release the emotion - how we do it is up to us.
Sometimes mothers are wrong - there is a time to cry and even explode. It took a long time before my husband really understood that I need to cry sometimes.
So follow your instincts and tell your mom this is something you need to do. Cry, scream, do what you need to do and then pull up the bootstraps. Your loss is so great - nobody can understand unless they have been there.
Love and huge hugs,
Marlene
Thank you Sisters of the Heart - Vicki
Oh my...you MUST be allowed to feel what you feel. And that includes anger. I have written journals (private) where I said exactly how I was feeling and I found that very helpful in releasing anger. The other moms have suggested helpful ways too...do what feels right for you, as long as it is safe Live and gentle hugs...Karen
I think the only way to deal with the anger is to release it in whatever way works. I remember stopping at a sign once and just screaming at the top of my lungs in my car and hitting my steering wheel. I had a difficult time dealing with anger because I did not know where or who to direct it at. I could not be mad at God. My son did it himself (accidental drug overdose). I couldn\'t figure out how to be mad at my son because he wasn\'t here for me to be mad at. I do still have tremendous anger at the drug dealer (we know who he is) and I wish him nothing good in life. And all drug dealers...may they rot in Hell. I journaled quite often, spilling it all out. I work with dogs, so I talked to them a lot. Do whatever works, but find ways to release it and move on.
Peace.
All of my soths have given you excellent advice. There is not much to add to it. Just know that what you are feeling is normal and anger is one stage of grief. Sometimes, I want to scream, cuss and punch things. I simply don\'t have the energy to do it. I totallt understand being too tired to do the physical things for release. Grieving is exhausting work...
((((HUGS))))....Julia
Vicki ~ I would like to share something my therapist said to me just this week. She said showing compassion to ourself is definitely needed after the loss of a child & it is not selfish or feeling sorry for ourself to do so.
For most women showing compassion can come naturally. But when it comes to showing compassion to ourself....well......we perhaps just don\'t. I know that\'s the case with myself. When I hear about a mom who has lost a child, my heart breaks & I want to extend whatever I can, to help. Perhaps it was the way I was raised or maybe just a personal flaw, but for some reason I don\'t feel I deserve showing myself compassion like I feel compelled to show others. Needless to say this is what I\'m working on right now.
When I read your journal about how you are struggling with that little voice saying....\"pull up your boot straps,\" \"no time to cry or get angry\", \"you have too much to be thankful for\", \"don\'t feel sorry for yourself\", seems to be causing you conflict because you do feel vulnerable right now. From the words of my grief therapist, Dr. Jayne..... show yourself some compassion. This involves understanding the suffering of ourself & wanting to do something about it. We may cry, scream, not smile, find beneficial ways to release anger, or perhaps just be very gentle with ourself. What ever we feel at the time that would be helpful, would be showing compassion to ourself.
I wish you peace as you find ways to show yourself compassion.
Hugs dear sister of the heart......Vicki