Tuesday

It's been 148 days since I had a smoke.  Really want one on and off lately but knowing it will make me sick keeps me from buying any.  I'm already sick.  Tired of the nausea and carrying this big knot in the middle of my chest.  At least the uncontrollable crying has stopped for now.  I try to make myself numb and try to will the knot in my chest to release but it won't go.  I can feel that if I let it..the knot would bloom into full panic so I keep focusing on remaining as numb as possible. 

Last night he was drinking although not super blitzed..but he was teary eyed and said he's not trying to be a dick but I need to find somewhere to go because he can't handle the normal day to day together in the house.  I told him again that I am trying my best to find something.  It's really sad that I am glad to be back at work and hopefully keeping at least some of my negative thoughts at bay. 

I did not sleep well again.  Super tired but just cannot rest...waking up with mild anxiety and rolling over.  This too shall pass.