Tues Sept 13th

Never say that things couldn't get any worse...the truth is they always can...and usually will. 
My grandfather is not doing well.  My mom wants me to go with her back to Ohio so see him even though they have never been close.  I told her I was willing to go with her but we have several commitments the next few weekends.  Also, leaving the last day of the month is hard because they still have not trained anybody as my backup to close the books on month end. 
She wasn't really mad but she kinda snapped and said so you're not available til like November...I said no...I am avail after the second week of Oct but you have to go on a trip at the end of Oct...so that makes it Nov. 
Yesterday my little brother called me while at work.  Instead of being his usual ass self he was sweet ...sweetly pressuring me to make sure my mom doesn't go alone and that I go with her. (I'm thinking ...why don't you step up to the plate asshole?  oh, that's right....cause I am always the one to take care of mom...wouldn't want to mess up your preppy little life.)  Work is crazy and stressful and I told my mom I would look at flights when I got home. 
By the time we worked out dates and found flights we could afford it was nearly 7pm and we were both completely stressed out.  I asked her if she could look up info on a rental car tomorrow and she got all pissy again...I just don't get it...I am working AND going to school and what else does she have to get done during the day?  oh that's right...she doesn't work...so ummmm nothing.  I told her you have way more time than me to surf the net and make a few phone calls.  She was pissy and I just gave up and we said good bye.
I went out to tell HIM what weekend we had settled on and as I realized how late it was he says..I never took anything out for dinner so I thought you could drive us to togo's to get a sandwich..
I just looked at him...then I looked at the beer on the counter.  I was already so stressed I was shaking.  I just said fine, whatever...and he gets all mad...He thinks I am mad because he is not cooking dinner...
I'm thinking...actually I am screaming in my head..I'M MAD CAUSE YOU ARE TOO DRUNK TO DRIVE YOU FUCK...JUST ONCE COULDN'T YOU BE THERE FOR ME INSTEAD OF YOUR TRUE LOVE..ALCOHOL? I want to scream it...but I can hear the voices of people from alanon in my head...over and over I can hear it saying NEVER ENGAGE THE ALCOHOLIC WHILE THEY ARE DRINKING.  After a moment I just said I didn't care if he ever cooked or not and that I was just really stressed..(in my head..CHICKEN!!!).
So I drove us to get a sandwich hoping getting about for a few minutes might help calm me down...because the more I realize I am completely alone(while he tells me he's there for me in his slurring speech) the more anxious I become and I might throw up.  Someone told me yesterday they thought I was tough...I think they would laugh if they could have seen me yesterday..with the shakes so bad you'd think I was some kind of addict in withdrawal.
We eat...then I try to read a little bit...I have been savoring this last book in the otherworld series because it's the newest one and I almost finished it in 2 days even though I make myself take breaks to make it last longer.  It's one of those that I like well enough I can still get lost in it no matter how anxious I am.  That brings another kind of panic...I am almost caught up on all the series I read..even with school it seems I am not busy enough to keep the panic away...then what will I do? 
The weird part is for the first time in a long time I remember my dream and it wasn't horrible...I was out having fun with friends...laughing and flirting with one of them...Of course these were not real people because I don't have people I am that close to...so In my dream they were characters from t v shows that I like....the only one that I remember clearly is the one I was flirting with...and I laughed when I woke up and realized it was Mcgee from NCIS.  Of course I would be flirting with another geek lol.