Tues, Post holiday weekend._extra dose fri, sat

It's been a long time since I was here again.  Why is it when I am the lowest and I should be here more often that I don't even think of it? I think I am just a total fruit loop most of the time.  I have been living on my own for almost six months now and I am no closer to figuring things out than I was. 
Faced with the three day weekend and nothing to do I ended up having anxiety.  My friends had plans with their own families.  My ex has still been pulling out all the stops to convince me he has changed.  Would he really keep trying so long if he did not love me?  Idk.  Whether he does or does not change I don't seem to be able to decide if or what I feel myself. 
It was nice hanging out together this weekend and nice that I was not alone.  He helped me with a few things including putting in a nicer shower head in the apartment so I would not have to duck down to get under the shower to wash my hair. 
People keep asking me what I want...I keep saying I have no idea..and I don't.  I have thought about moving back to az...can't seem to make any decisions about anything.  Other than anxiety the only time I have shown any emotion is when I found out my friend got himself a girlfriend...and maybe that was more about not getting my way than caring for him.  How do I get to the bottom of what I feel?  Why am I always feeling so numb?  Am I just afraid to believe he could have changed after ten years?  Or do I not really love him anymore? Things are always so confusing. 
The closest I have been able to figure out about what I want is what I DON'T want. 
Somehow there has got to be some kind of progress over time



If you did go back with him for a trial you could keep the apartment until you were sure about the relationship once and for all? Perhaps that would help you to resolve your other issues as well -- or to at least begin to work on them?

You have been hit with some pretty difficult and scary health issues and that often can trigger life crisis where we are left unsure of what to do with our lives. If you felt he had changed you could try it out by staying with him but keeping the apartment until you are sure. True love is not all that easy to come by and to pass it up should be given serious consideration and try to work it out? It sure appears as if he loves you very much. If you went with that and then put your focus on resolving the rest of the issues you cope with perhaps it would all begin working out?

You have made progress by your willingness to change your life to learn about what you need. Knowing what you \'don\'t\' want is HUGE and so many of us never make it even that far.

Give it time and go with what feels is best for you.