Trying to start
I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed that if I found out that I am clinically depressed, it would make people judge me. That is why I don't go to the doctors about how I feel.
I am frightened. I am frightened that people will tip toe around me. that they will always try to make me feel better. That they will say they understand when they don't. That my partner and child would be affected.
But most of all I am tired. I am tired of pretending I am happy. I am tired of laughing when I feel like screaming and crying. I am tired of feeling all hurt and all alone.
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I noticed you extending a hand of friendship to anyone in need. I've started trying to do the same because I have discovered that paying attention to other peoples pain and misfortune lessens your own pain in a way and stimulates certain things in you that make you better, stronger and happier in the end which is kinda weird but true.
Also you said you're tired of pretending to be happy when you're not. I've also discovered it's very important for us to feel what we're feeling, if that makes sense. Nowadays when something pisses me off, hurts me or scares me, I try to take a moment to sit with myself so I can really feel the raw sensation of it without analyzing it or acting out on it. You don't necessarily have to cry or scream, stillness actually helps you feel it deeper and if you can relax your body and close your eyes thats even better. With a little bravery, some silence and attention and an understanding that you are more than capable of withstanding immense pain you can really move right towards the feeling of sadness, fear, anger, loneliness, hurt, anything. It gets louder and louder and then it just fades and poof! Just like that you're smiling again even feeling better than before! But sometimes I am not strong enough to see it through, although I'm getting better at it and it's been helping me rapidly especially with depression and family troubles.
Thank you for the advice. Will definitely try it.
Sorry I also forgot to mention that the practice is lot to do with acceptance. I believe the real mechanism of it is that when you finally fully accept the situation the emotion begins to fade and the situation itself goes through the mountain to molehill scenario. Still very powerful. And I also try to focus on the senses like hearing, sight and touch which takes me away from the mind that only makes things worse.