Trying to release the tension...
Writing has always been my way of releasing all my tension, write and have a good cry, get it all out and really figure out what it is exactly that I'm feeling. The past few months I haven't really written, I've just let life happen as it did and didn't keep up with what I know I need to do.
I found out earlier this year that my oldest sister has cancer. Cervical cancer. She had to undergo surgery to remove the effected cells, and may be getting radiation as well as complete removal of her uterus. Fortunately for her, she's already had 2 kids and is in her early 40's so she has no desire to have any more, but she also doesn't want anyone knowing about her cancer until it's all said and done. Our mom knows, and so does our brother, but our other sister and her two kids are entirely in the dark. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore. First Dion has his issues with his brain tumor and now my sister has cancer... I honestly feel like my brain is going to explode. It doesn't help any that my ex has a very nerve wracking lump on his head that for all we know is a tumor but because he's been so upset and distracted about his gf who he thinks is cheating he hasn't gone and gotten it checked out.
I saw him today, we went for a drive like how we used to, and I think for both of us it brought up some of the past, some of the feelings we both forced away because we wanted to still be able to be friends while he was in a new relationship and I quickly jumped into new relationships as well after the fact. We talked about how neither of us expected the relationship he's currently in to last so long (just over 2 years now) and how we both thought we'd get back together and be happy again. He told me some days he wishes he never met her, because as soon as she and Scott came into our lives our relationship went down hill and they ended up together because of it. I'm just having a hard time processing everything.
Colin is such an incredible guy and he treats me so incredibly well, I honestly think we could be an incredible couple and I don't doubt that we will fall madly in love and who knows, potentially get married, but I'm not sure if that's what I want right now. I don't really know what I want. He won't propose until we've been together 4-5 years, which is exactly how I feel too, I don't ever want to rush into something so permanent and have it fall apart. I've been hurt so badly by people I loved so deeply that I now am finding that subconsciously I seem to be protecting myself from harm...I feel like I want to be open with Colin, I want to tell him everything and be vulnerable, but the way he jokes sometimes it just stings and makes me shut down.. Normally the jokes are fine, but sometimes they're a bit too passive-aggressive and it makes me wonder if it's truly a joke or not.
My brain is all over the place right now, I'm just too emotional for my own good.... I just don't understand how I'm supposed to feel...and I mean that in the sense of how can anyone expect me to feel anything with everything I'm dealing with. I know the emotions I feel, I feel sad, angry, depressed, scared, nervous, vulnerable, defensive, occasionally happy....but there's so much negativity that I don't want to feel anything. I want to shut down. I want to just leave it all and let it go. I just don't want to care.
I found out earlier this year that my oldest sister has cancer. Cervical cancer. She had to undergo surgery to remove the effected cells, and may be getting radiation as well as complete removal of her uterus. Fortunately for her, she's already had 2 kids and is in her early 40's so she has no desire to have any more, but she also doesn't want anyone knowing about her cancer until it's all said and done. Our mom knows, and so does our brother, but our other sister and her two kids are entirely in the dark. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore. First Dion has his issues with his brain tumor and now my sister has cancer... I honestly feel like my brain is going to explode. It doesn't help any that my ex has a very nerve wracking lump on his head that for all we know is a tumor but because he's been so upset and distracted about his gf who he thinks is cheating he hasn't gone and gotten it checked out.
I saw him today, we went for a drive like how we used to, and I think for both of us it brought up some of the past, some of the feelings we both forced away because we wanted to still be able to be friends while he was in a new relationship and I quickly jumped into new relationships as well after the fact. We talked about how neither of us expected the relationship he's currently in to last so long (just over 2 years now) and how we both thought we'd get back together and be happy again. He told me some days he wishes he never met her, because as soon as she and Scott came into our lives our relationship went down hill and they ended up together because of it. I'm just having a hard time processing everything.
Colin is such an incredible guy and he treats me so incredibly well, I honestly think we could be an incredible couple and I don't doubt that we will fall madly in love and who knows, potentially get married, but I'm not sure if that's what I want right now. I don't really know what I want. He won't propose until we've been together 4-5 years, which is exactly how I feel too, I don't ever want to rush into something so permanent and have it fall apart. I've been hurt so badly by people I loved so deeply that I now am finding that subconsciously I seem to be protecting myself from harm...I feel like I want to be open with Colin, I want to tell him everything and be vulnerable, but the way he jokes sometimes it just stings and makes me shut down.. Normally the jokes are fine, but sometimes they're a bit too passive-aggressive and it makes me wonder if it's truly a joke or not.
My brain is all over the place right now, I'm just too emotional for my own good.... I just don't understand how I'm supposed to feel...and I mean that in the sense of how can anyone expect me to feel anything with everything I'm dealing with. I know the emotions I feel, I feel sad, angry, depressed, scared, nervous, vulnerable, defensive, occasionally happy....but there's so much negativity that I don't want to feel anything. I want to shut down. I want to just leave it all and let it go. I just don't want to care.
Replies