Triggered (MC)
I don't want to write or think about it, but I know I need to. I was watching a show and I had a feeling that the pregnant character was going to miscarry. I was correct - end of the episode, she keels over in pain and blood drips down her leg. The episode ended and I shut it off - tried to distract myself with video games. It failed terribly. I was already emotional this morning while driving, so I think that's why I was so easily triggered by this. My brain is a haze right now, emotions feel on edge, and my chest is tight. It feels like someone has their grip on my heart, squeezing as tight as they can.. but the feeling is on the right side of my chest too. The squeezing is painful. I'm going to try some therapeutic sighs and hopefully that helps relieve this tension. I guess I should document if it works so I can discuss it in therapy next week... Here goes... I'm extra hazy now, dizzy and lightheaded.. but the pain is gone. Emotions remain. Not sure what the emotion is - I feel on the verge of tears even though I don't 'feel' sad... I don't know what to call this.
Replies
I decided to continue watching the show, knowing it was only going to get worse, and hoping for a release of sorts. Wow, did I get it. The main character talked about how women shouldn't be shamed about miscarriages, how we should be able to talk about them and be in pain without feeling embarrassed or like we need to hide it.
I signed back into work just days after it happened - literally, two days. I worked half days as I couldn't concentrate and the pain was so severe I could barely breathe, but I tried. It just screams out how our society is - the expectation that we should walk away from it like nothing happened. My baby died inside my body... Why the hell did I go back to work? I know I was trying to escape it, I was trying to distract myself, trying to escape the darkness. I knew if I succumbed to it ... I feared ... I feared that I wouldn't survive it. I feared it taking over me. I feared the self harm, the addictions, the high likelihood of a severe relapse. Of worse.
Now I'm taking the time to heal and feel and it hurts. It hurts so bad.
SPOILER ALERT - I'm going to want to rewatch this show, and I know I'm going to want to rewatch those episodes... So I'm going to write the name and spoil the ending of season 1 for anyone who's reading this. Firefly Lane on Netflix - season 1, episodes 8/9 (and possibly 10 - I haven't gotten that far).