Triggered, again and again

Getting triggered sucks. I'm honestly so tired of feeling this way. It happened this morning, someone mentioned on a zoom debrief call that they had to change job positions because they were at risk of miscarriage. It just ripped at my heart and I had to discretely turn my camera off to conceal my reaction. The problem is, I was there in a counsellor role, even though I wasn't actively participating as a counsellor, that was my status in the meeting. Getting triggered and showing it was super unpleasant and personally unacceptable. It was just a reminder of how fresh that wound is. 

I was further triggered at my sister in law's reassessment for her injury. There's no sense getting into the details of it, but I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. It was painful. I could hear my heart rate in my ears as I tried to regulate my breathing. It was a moment of complete fight or flight that I had to endure and sit through. I survived it, but the aftereffects are horrible. I'm exhausted, I have zero appetite, and feel like I need to sleep for days. 

I was supposed to have a session with my counsellor today but I cancelled to attend this appointment with my SiL. I don't regret cancelling, I know I needee to, and I honestly don't know if it would have been worth attending. I know I need to journal more, regulate my breathing, and practice mindfulness. Repeating that over and over gets me nowhere. I'm also trying to be gentle with myself and recognize how hard this time of year is. This is the time that I found out my mom had cancer and lost her to it within weeks. I'm finding that I want connection to people from my past. I want their comfort. There's something soothing about reminiscing about the affection I had with them, the comfort, the safety. Part of me wishes I didn't need them for that back then, and part of me wishes I had it right now.