Triggered
Well I was doing well. 3.5 weeks ago I reexperienced my ex and his chaos. It has taken this long to recover my nervous system but I do and I recover incredibly slowly. I blocked him and had many missed calls today, from telemarketers I thought... when I realized this was my ex-partner leaving voicemails threatening me (from a different phone?) or can someone leaves voicemails if they're blocked! After he drugged and raped me those 3.5 weeks ago. I have tremors, a headache, vomited. I didn't see that voicemail coming. I feel crazy because I emailed my psychotherapist who is helping me leave, while my ex and I are still intertwinded financially as he lives in my house. I am scared he is going to wreck the house, I am scared he wont leave, I am scared to call the police and I am scared to move forward. He has threatened me and my partner and he's become very dark with this delusion that he is an angel here to abuse me until I stop being vulnerable.
I feel all these things and I'm internalizing all of it as me being crazy, instead of my nervous system being retriggered to panic. I feel tense and crazy.
Replies
When ^it^ really is all me, I consider it all the more important to resist the urge to internalize. Those would be the toxins I most need out of my system. A real world jackass is much easier to come to handle than the demons I have created in my own head. I have real world options for dealing with difficult realities. I've called the cops on the demons in my head and it did not end well.
Breathing with you. . .
Keep venting. . . It helps with the sorting.
My spouse was so abusive and violent that the last time we were together the judge had her dragged and ejected cursing and fighting from the courtroom by the bailiffs. We were so intertwined financially that I was driven into bankruptcy. As soon as the sale of our home was final, I loved halfway across the country several states away to start over at a safe distance.
Sorry you're going through this. All of that happened to me 21 years ago now, and I've had a good life since then even though the PTSD remains. Getting through this will be worth a gift to yourself for your future, Con.
Oh Mujica... how brutally awful.. I feel your pain and I am so sorry that happened to you too. Thank you for your validation and understanding. It means a lot. I hope you were able to recover okay, financially and all!
"Getting through this will be worth a gift to yourself for your future" - I really appreciate this. I feel the warmth in my heart. And you're right. And I can do this... I am so close to having him removed after a year of trying to get him out of my life financially. It gives me confidence to hear you've led a good life after all of this.
Thanks Arfie! I am really needing the "venting" and it's helping so much. Verbal Ventilation here we go! (future journals)
I think you're completely right in saying we need to get the toxins out of our system... I am fairly safe now. Remembering this will be my next challenge so I don't get stuck in unhealthy defence mechanisms.
I hope you have a great day today with your granddaughter - sending much love!