Trait 3: We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism

3.We are frightened by angry people and any personal critcism.

This. Raise a glass to this trait! I know I can relate to this trait with all my heart; however, is it from being an ACOA or from a step-father I had as a very young child that physically abused me and my brother? Either way. I can relate. 

I get sweaty and nervous when I even THINK someone might be upset with me... I can tell myself I don't care. I can say that I was right and therefor have no need to care. But at the end of the day... I do care. I hate it. I get anxiety/panic attacks and stay at a height of anxiousness until I find out they're not, or try to sugar coat and fix things if they are. It's so annoying!!!! Sometimes I AM right in my words/actions but if they other person doesnt like it and gets upset, I end up fearing the situation and what the possible outcomes could be! 

Now, I am not sure why this is... my father was never an angry drunk (until I got old and took him into my home to take him out of the homeless life... that's when he chose to be a dick to me!). He would just fall down, no  walk... imagine at the age of twelve he took me to a cemetery to tell me he was an alcoholic (WHILE DRUNK, WHILE DRIVING ME TO HIS HOUSE FOR THE WEEKEND!). He picked me up from my house to stay with him for the weekend. He was drunk!!!! I was terrified cause I had no idea what was wrong with him... he said his blood sugar was low, he had had no sleep and he was exhausted... but he was red, glossy eyed, and slurring words. Once he got far enough away from my house (where my grandparents, nother and step father were) he pulled over and told me I needed to drive, that he couldn't. So he made me switch spots with him. I was TWELVE! NEVER before driven a car or a vehicle at all. No ID. I was terrified. But for some reason I just did it... I was going slow, til a mini van pulled up behind me and it made me so nervous, Dad told me to pull down a side road (he said he needed to grab an ear of corn to bring his blood sugar back up...) but this van was so close to me and I paniced. I turned (too sharp) down that oad he said "Hurry, turn, turn!" So I did... hit a pot hold that blew our tire and caused us to go off road into some bean feild and stop JUST BEFORE hitting a telephone pole... I was in complete fear of EVERYTHING! Of course my father drunkenly stumbled out of the car and told me to get in the passanger seat and that we would keep this a secret. Some guys stoppede and helped us (thank god they were nice cause a young girl stuck with a scrawny old man they could have easily over powered and kidnapped me!) and he drove the rest of the way... but with that pit stop to the cemetery of course... my step mom was livid when we pulled in and had seen the "donut tire" on the car and his shitty excuse for an excuse! 

Why this exact story came to mind from this trait, I have NO idea... but it triggered this memory so I figured it was somehow relivent? I dont know. But that day I had wished a lot of things... my dad was upset that I had failed my mission to drive through the country to the city of Lansing and TRY to make it to his house... :/ but really HE was in the wrong and HE deserved to be punished. 

I always think back to that day and think... I wish I would have just let the car crash into the telephone pole. I wish I would have just said NO and called my mother to come get me... I WISH I would have told those nice men who helped us with the tire that something was wrong with my dad and that I crashed the car... but I had NO CLUE what was going on. I dont remember if I just didn't want me to get into trouble, or him to get into trouble... All I know is I didn't want him to go to jail, my mom to yell at me for getting behind the wheel in the first place and I did NOT want to "ruin" my weekend... my weekdays never satisfied me as my parents weren't really the make sure you kid has fun type, just make sure they behave and be quiet and don't disturb your peace and quiet. So my fathers house was like a serious vacation!!!! I would have so much fun over there when my step mom didn't have to work!!!! 

It's been 15 years today my father told me he was an alcoholic... and yet... nothing has changed. :C