Trait 2: We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.

Trait 2: We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.

I will say, this is me to a T. My words are often, "Who cares what others think? Fuck them!" but my actions tell an entirely different story... Growing up, post finding out my father was an alcoholic and seeing his true distruction and living with what I thought was a secret, I began getting good grades in hopes I would be place at the top of all my siblings. I never snuck out, or went to parties, rarely did drugs (I've only done weed and some experiments pills... no real hard core stuff... and I only tried each once...) or drank alcohol until after high school... so I was mouthy, smart-ass, and loud. But all in all I was a pretty good kid in the way of trouble. I tried out for different sports and inevitably quit when none of my family showed up to watch me practice or attend games/ meets... I stuck with cheerleading the longest because it was pleasing to me and others love watching the cheerleaders. My mother and, rarely step father, would show up for a game or two for the season... that's about it. Junior and senior year I quit cheer to focus on my education since that seemed to be the only thing my parents would care about... my brothers got more attention for having bad grades than I did for having good ones. I think my grandfather picked up on that because he ended up giving me a deal ($100 for every report card that had ALL As. I made a total of $100 my sophmore year... only becuase I'd end up with a B+ damn it!).

In all this search for approval, I wasn't getting it. I did slip down a path of naughtiness for a short period but didn't find the negative attention worth my time... I got my bachelors and now want to go back for my Masters, but... is that what I want for myslef? Part of me thinks I only want to do that so I can call up ole grandpatients and parents and be like "Look what I did" and hear their praise... 

To this day I ahve strived on compliments about my work ethic or how good I am at my job... trying to please people, and actually pleasing people make me so happy, but I feel like it is really starting to weigh down on who I am... do I really enjoy all the things I have done for myself, or have I been doing them for others and not realizing that it's not what I really want... I want a lot of things but what things are actually me? What wants of mine make me who I am? What if my entire life and all the choices I have made weren't mine? 

Guess I can't complain... all this striving for perfection and people pleasing has paid off. Im 27, 1 child, 1 on the way. Married. Own two cars (junkers but hey... they work!). Make good money for my age. Have a house. A dog. Some good friends. And my wine collection I paid for myslef. A 401K, 403B, insurance, life insurance, ETC!!!!! So, at least in all of my identity questions I have a good solid platform to begin to heal on. 

I guess I need to know what I truly want.