Trait 1: We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.

Trait 1: We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.

Growing up, or half way through growing up, I do remember my time of OCD and the moments that made me considered "isolated". After school (high school) I would come home, do homework right away, have a snack and then clean my room for a few hours. Nothing felt better than cleaning my room! I'd spend a couple hours a day on it. Start with vacuum, the dust, then vacuum (the dusting would cause particals to fall to the floor, but the vacuum would cause dust... this was a struggle!). Anywho, how I cleaned was not the issue... 

Frequently, I'd be up cleaning that imaculatly already cleaned room and my friend could message me to come hang out... at this point they wouldn't come over anymore as it was not fun becuase all I would do it be a nervous reck about how "dirty" i thought my room was... they didn't understand. Well, these invitations I would always turn down! :C My best friend, who for some unknown reason, never gave up and eventually found a way to get me out of my room and over to her house... cheesy tuna noodle cassarole... so I ate a lot of this! 

I was loud, out-spoken, mouthy teen and yet I could not be bothered to go out. I loved my room and how clean and safe it was. I don't know if this counts as becoming isolated... but it sure feels like it now. 

Afraid of people and authority figures? I guess... but I am afraid of a lot... so, yeah I dont like walking past a group of other people. I hate getting into awkward social situations without a little "liquid courage" and i most certainly HATE when the male authority figures compliment me... even if it is genuine... I don't like it. I dont like compliments in general... Authority figures? Who isn't a little fearful of authority... It can be very intimidating. 

Now that I am pregnant and not partaking in my young years of drinking, parties and mischief, I am pretty isolated. Going ANYWHERE sounds horrendous. I just know ill get there and be surrounded by people who will slowly get drunk and I'll ahve to put up with the nonsense (which I would love to be around if I were enjoying my wine at the same time!) but being sober makes drunk people no more fun! So I want to stay home and do the hermit thing. Granted this could also be because i have depression and anxiety and stopped my meds for the pregnancy and am extra grumpy... but still... I have created a person who would rather be bored out of her skull at home than out with others if it doesn't offer me some kind of fun or release... 

Who knows if any of this ties into Trait #1... but that is part of my journey and how I interprate it. 

PS: This felt good to write...