Traditions ... bah! Humbug!

I will be the first to say I've made it farther in my journey than I ever believed I could. That first night after receiving that phone call that my son had died ~ I truly not only felt part of me died but that I just wished I would as well. Sad but true and since God doesn't take requests .... 3 months short of 10 years and I'm still here.
Having said that, that in no way, shape or forms means I have all the answers. That I will never miss my son, that I may cry or tear up at times .... that I will still have moments of unexplained anger or frustration ... I'm human .... and I'm a mom. I think one of the biggest guilt feeling mom's carry after losing a child has to do with being a mom .... after all, mom can do and fix anything.
Hearing "Are you ready for Christmas?", "Do you have all your gifts bought and cookies baked?". "Well you just have to come for dinner, it's family" one more time this year ~ I may scream.
I go to work 5 sometimes 6 days a week, I work 10  -12 hr days, lose my day off in order to help others who are having difficult times with their mental health. The job in itself is both rewarding and frustrating. So, every now and then when I don't seem to hold my feelings in as well as on other days --- I feel I'm entitled to have a bad day. LOL ~ typing that just made me laugh because ... and I kid you not .... the people I support, my co-workers, even my fellow supervisors will look at me on one of those rare days like I have 3 heads.
I don't just miss Randy Lee (or my dad, grandpa, grandma or friends who have passed) at Christmas - I miss them all year long. Christmas just holds memories that are hard to move past because of the traditions.
That first Christmas Ken, my husband now allowed me to just block out as much of the festivities as I could. People laugh at how we spent our Christmas night but it's become our yearly tradition now. We go for chinese and then to a movie. It's so very different from how Christmas was with Randy Lee that it does help me cope easier.
I would bake from the start of December to the 23rd. I used to make 25 different types of cookies, homemade pies, cakes... all the yummy but fattening stuff.
We did the big party on Christmas Eve for friends. Randy got to open one present at midnight and when he was little, to stay up late. LOL .. though he never seemed to make it past 9pm back then. Christmas morning we got up as a family, watched Randy open gifts, then us , hot from the oven cinnamon rolls for breakfast. Then it was family in and out all day. Big Christmas dinner at our house and to my Aunt Marggie's that evening.
I do make it to some family houses these days but I still play it low key. Ken and I will exchange gifts on Christmas Eve. I usually work at least 1/2 day on Christmas Day to ensure my folks I support at work are having a good day. It's rare they will even get a call from family let alone a gift.
Each year we do a donation to someone less fortunate. An Angel gift from church, gifts for my folks at work. Sometimes the gifts we wrap for them are all they receive. Everyone should feel someone cares, especially at Christmas. Ken & I aren't rich but we do what we can and we remain anonymus ~ In my mind it's helping others in Randy's memory.
This year I'm finding it more difficult to hold it together when I'm around others. I literally have asore tongue from biting it trying not to let my emotions loose. Each year that passes it becomes more difficult to remember the sound of his voice, his laugh, that big, ornry smile. How even as a teenager he had the curiousity of a little kid when it came to presents. Eating cookies as fast as I could bake them.
The last 2 Christmas's weren't great. He was in rehab in 2001 so we only had 2 hrs with him and were only able to bring him one gift. It was good to see him but hard to leave. 2002 he was so angry at me he wouldn't speak to me. I sent him a card and gave my mother the money to let him go shopping. I wouldn't dare put cash in his hands. Maybe that's why I could just sleep through December and not think about it.
So now, I always make a huge flower arrangement that I worry and fret over being beautiful enough that I place on his grave. I stand there and tears well up as I read his name in the bronze marker. He still has faithful friends who leave tokens ... angels, miss you stones, 26 cents (which I don't understand), pics. Knowing he is still missed by his friends is a warming thought to me ... he wasn't forgotten.
So, I wish people would understand it's okay if someone is sad on a day, about a holiday,not wanting to do a jingle or bake cookies. It's okay if we don't want to run from relative to relative visiting .... the world won't stop. We have simply learned that we need to do what it takes to make it through the day.