tough day today
i'm not sure where i stand. he was just bugging the shit outta me last night, just with little things, but enough that i felt affected. he wasn't being mean, per se, just critical and goofy drunk. my nerves just felt annoyed by him.
i feel out of tune. at the moment i don't feel a tremendous amount of love and com/passion for him. mostly i am just seeing him for his symptoms. and i am still so incredibly hurt by his last episode. i need to talk to him about it, but i'm not sure exactly what to say.
where did you ACTUALLY go? what did you do? why did you seem like you were getting calmer and then suddenly allude to having cheated on me and start sending me raging text messages? what the hell am i supposed to do to get over this because you seem to be fully recovered and i'm left wondering why the hell i'm even still with you.
maybe that's a little harsh, that last line.
i'm reading these posts on the out of the fog website. there are a lot of people that are talking about getting ready to leave their PD partner relationships. inside i am a temper tantrum. i don't WANT to leave him, i want this problem to not EXIST! i don't know how to protect myself from the pain because it is NOT possible to do so, and so i am stuck feeling it, stuck being exposed to his episodes. stuck, i am saying. leave him, leave the relationship, and i am UNstuck. and without him. do i still like him? is it just because our fucking apartment is so god damn small and the freeway outside the window never shuts up?
everything hurts. i'm not digesting well. i'm getting headaches. i'm in such a miserable funk and i have no idea how to get out of it. temper tantrum! i don't want to break up, i want him to get help, i want the impossible, and that to me feels like i am not accepting him for who he is and makes me not the compassionate person that i like to tell myself i am.
i am so pissed off right now. i want some time to myself, but there isn't time or money for that. he's got this fucking credit card that his mom pays, and i know that's what he uses to go on his escapes and get hotel rooms so he can get away from his girlfriend that he tells treats him like shit.
i'm having trouble forgiving him today.
maybe i can't accept him for who he is. but why does he want me to pretend he's someone that he's not?
and it's never, ever, ever a good time to talk. because we have plans, or he's drinking, or i'm drinking, or we're having a good time, or he has to go somewhere or i have to go somewhere or we're working.
i don't know what to fucking do anymore.
i feel out of tune. at the moment i don't feel a tremendous amount of love and com/passion for him. mostly i am just seeing him for his symptoms. and i am still so incredibly hurt by his last episode. i need to talk to him about it, but i'm not sure exactly what to say.
where did you ACTUALLY go? what did you do? why did you seem like you were getting calmer and then suddenly allude to having cheated on me and start sending me raging text messages? what the hell am i supposed to do to get over this because you seem to be fully recovered and i'm left wondering why the hell i'm even still with you.
maybe that's a little harsh, that last line.
i'm reading these posts on the out of the fog website. there are a lot of people that are talking about getting ready to leave their PD partner relationships. inside i am a temper tantrum. i don't WANT to leave him, i want this problem to not EXIST! i don't know how to protect myself from the pain because it is NOT possible to do so, and so i am stuck feeling it, stuck being exposed to his episodes. stuck, i am saying. leave him, leave the relationship, and i am UNstuck. and without him. do i still like him? is it just because our fucking apartment is so god damn small and the freeway outside the window never shuts up?
everything hurts. i'm not digesting well. i'm getting headaches. i'm in such a miserable funk and i have no idea how to get out of it. temper tantrum! i don't want to break up, i want him to get help, i want the impossible, and that to me feels like i am not accepting him for who he is and makes me not the compassionate person that i like to tell myself i am.
i am so pissed off right now. i want some time to myself, but there isn't time or money for that. he's got this fucking credit card that his mom pays, and i know that's what he uses to go on his escapes and get hotel rooms so he can get away from his girlfriend that he tells treats him like shit.
i'm having trouble forgiving him today.
maybe i can't accept him for who he is. but why does he want me to pretend he's someone that he's not?
and it's never, ever, ever a good time to talk. because we have plans, or he's drinking, or i'm drinking, or we're having a good time, or he has to go somewhere or i have to go somewhere or we're working.
i don't know what to fucking do anymore.
Replies
Most of us require long-term, stable, mutual respect in order to enjoy a dyadic relationship. In this respect, the relationship with a pwBPD is usually out of balance. Either they idealize us (while resenting us for not loving them as much as they think they love us) or they feel contempt for us, and don\'t hesitate to show it.
In turn, you have developed reasons to resent him. You feel like you are carrying more than your share of the load in the relationship. (You probably are, but this feeling, rather than lightening your burden, makes it harder to bear.) You feel like he enjoys privileges (e.g. the credit card, the hotel getaways, etc.) that would not be allowed for you. These double standards are hard to live with.
In truth, it isn\'t fair to stay with someone while hoping/expecting that they will become a different person. You must decide whether what you are getting is what you want, and act in a way that will get you what you want.
Have you read \"The Dance of Anger\" by Harriet Lerner? If you introduced the book to me, please forgive me, but maybe it could help in your situation.
i forgive you ;)
yeah, i\'m getting stronger for me, but part of it is just the i-don\'t-give-a-fuck button being pushed over and over.
i SHOULD plan some time away on my own, though. i could use a break. maybe visit a friend...
maybe you have a bit of bipolar syndrome, and maybe you are getting crazy from living with BPD, but I\'m starting to get a little bit of whiplash from reading your journals. I see that the anger generated in your relationship is being transformed into depression, partly because it cannot be properly expressed and resolved, and partly because it is almost constant. This, I believe, is the meaning of your dream.
i almost want to leave him. yes, i am depressed. i am in a lot of physical pain, and am stressed, and am tired a lot. i want to pack up and go. i am not cut out for this. but i will stay. i always do. sighhhhhh...... :(