Torn up inside

I just don't understand.... My boyfriend's (now ex) roommate Zac and I were so close over the past year Colin and I have been together. We've shared some really personal moments, some intimate in which he helped my relationship with colin, some purely fun and exciting in which he danced with me at the bar, twirling me and spinning me around - one of my favourite things to do but unfortunately I can't with colin because he's in a wheelchair and hates dancing in bars (drunk people spin him and jump in his lap). Zac and I have truly connected, especially in the past 6 months, he told me I'm the best thing that ever happened to colin, and he was so happy for us.... So why now am I being called a gold digger, and a shallow bitch that is going to break his heart as soon as I get skinnier (I'm by no means fat) or as soon as my career is launched and I'm swimming in cash.... He called me a two-faced back stabbing cunt who is a no good worthless cyst on the planet....or something to that extent...I can't remember the EXACT wording, but those cruel, heartless words were in there.... My heart shattered as I read that on my best friend's phone.... He didn't even say this to me.... He says this to her...which only means he's also saying it to other people.... I honestly don't understand why he hates me so much and it hurts so badly that he does.... I care a great deal about him, but I honestly can't take much more of this... I miss the Zac that gave me a hug the morning after my birthday party, when I was still drunk... In December... the Zac that hugged me and held me close, and made me feel like he truly cared and wanted me to be a part of his life as well... Colin and he had every intention of forever living together, they wanted a duplex of some sort, so they were in the same place with a shared yard to raise their families together... Zac was Colin's brother.. and now Colin couldn't care less about him, and here I am with my heart breaking because I'm being regarded as trash...worse than trash....and for no reason whatsoever.....
 
On top of all of this, my counseling to deal with Colby being attacked has brought up all my previous counselling and it's destroying me from inside... I'm not only having flashbacks from him being attacked... but now I'm having flashbacks about being sexually assaulted as a child.. being raped as an young adult... having my miscarriage....I'm having phantom pain from that one again...it's horrible...not just because of the pain, but because of the emotional reminders.
I want to be able to talk to colin about everything but it's so hard... he's never seen me have flashbacks, he's never had to be a part of that life... I've never shut down internally as much as I am now and I hate it...He tries but he's really not the most sympathetic person. he's not very good at being emotionally supportive, he's very realistic and he tries to help but tends to make matters worse... I feel most comfortable talking to adam or alicia and even that is devastating to me..  I see a future with colin, but it's so hard because I don't feel I can be open about this aspect of my life not matter how hard I try to be....
I also have in the back of my mind the reminder of the heart condition I recently found out about... We don't even know what it is exactly, because I still have to get testing done... but my heart is enlarged and it could mean a wide variety of things... So on top of everything I'm constantly trying to remember that I'm not supposed to get stressed, I'm not supposed to drink copious amounts of caffeine (which I do while stressed) ... I shouldn't eat any junk food (again when stressed)... I'm really not supposed to mix alcohol with my anti depressants/anti anxiety medications and having struggled with alcoholism in the past I really shouldn't drink while going through so much.... I'm just so torn up and I have so much to deal with that I'm finding myself entirely overwhelmed.