too many rabbits in the hole

I got my car back yesterday.  It's all shiny and pretty again...till the next fucker takes a swipe at me.   As I was picking up the car, Steve text me and said he was staying in the bay last night.  I was relieved, and then kind of excited.  I hadn't been able to spend much time with my new friend this week. 

I called him as I was driving home.  He also suffers from anxiety and depression.  My friend Chantal has been saying that will be ok and that chaos can coexist.  She was wrong.  He was depressed and he's been hinting that I am being too needy....he wouldn't actually say it...he's too nice for that.  The truth is that we both fell down the rabbit hole at the same time and it's not a good combination.  The good news is the whole 'I can't cry' thing seems to only be related to Steve and I was freely crying in minutes.  Once that was done I was just exhausted and laid on the bed trying to sleep.  I can't lean on this new friend to get through this.  His has his own stuff.  My friend Kristi has been helping me as much as she can, but she has her own alcoholic to deal with and three kids.  I need to not be a burden to the few people I have left in my life.  I need to isolate. 

I told my friend that I could not do this anymore.  We are not good for each other, especially when we both go down the rabbit hole at the same time.  I used to always wonder when you would hear stories about mom's that tried to kill themselves and their children by driving their car into a lake or something...how could they do that to the kids?  how did that thought process work?  Now I get it.  They couldn't stand to be here anymore and could not take the chance that the kids might not be cared for in their absence.  I have thought several times now that all of my pets are old and maybe I should just have them put to sleep if I can't find a place to go.  Then I could just go to a shelter or something.  idk...it's weird how you can wonder about someone else's perspective and then realize later you suddenly get it.  I think the same thing about multiple personality disorder.  I used to wonder if it could be real...to have all those different personalities have a life of their own.  Now I can see them in my head...fighting...well sort of.  The cold calculating bitch that can get through anything....she elbows the sweet loving one in the face and tells her to just keep the fuck down while she handles shit.  Yeah, down the rabbit hole for sure.