Tom Zuba... seems like good advice
Hi Mamas,
Here's a good straight-talking piece.
I love you all -
xox Sarah
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Tom Zuba
www.tomzuba.com
I’m going to come right out and say it.If you are working with a therapist,counselor,social worker,grief expert,minister,priest,or anyone else who is trying to help you navigate the wilderness of griefand they start talking about Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’5 stages of grief denialangerbargainingdepression and acceptanceplease, please, pleasedo yourself a favorand run as far away from that personas fast as you can.That “expert”does not know grief.Not really.Grief is the internal, automatic response to loss.Everyone grieves. Everyone.If you are alive and have attached to anything.Anything.A job.A pet.Your health.Your looks.Your house.A person.A certain lifestyle.Your car.Anything.If you have attached to somethingand you lose that somethingyou grieve.Automatic.Internal.And as much as I’d like to tell you that grief will beorderlyneat and tidypredictableand unfold in 5 stages,it will not.Period.Grief is wild,and messyand unpredictableand uncertainand ever-changing and unsettlingand unnerving.Most of us (all of us)are ill-preparedand ill-equippedto go with the flow of griefwhen it is our timebecausewe never talk about it.What it’s like to live with grief.So when grief does expresses itselfin the often surprisingand confusing ways it does,when all we want to do is sleepor we can’t sleep at all,when we eat and eat and eat,or have completely lost our appetite(and wonder if we've lost our mind).When we feelangryconfusedsadanxiousdesperatefrightenedlonelynauseousnumbdazeddizzy(to name just a few of the ways grief expresses itself)seemingly at the same time.We are experiencing grief.And when our arms physically ache to hold our beloved,when we have heart palpitations,stomach pains,and fight to keep our balance,we are experiencing grief.We think we are going crazy.We are not.We have entered the wilderness of grief.And in order to get outwe must go through.Period.
Here's a good straight-talking piece.
I love you all -
xox Sarah
================
Tom Zuba
www.tomzuba.com
I’m going to come right out and say it.If you are working with a therapist,counselor,social worker,grief expert,minister,priest,or anyone else who is trying to help you navigate the wilderness of griefand they start talking about Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’5 stages of grief denialangerbargainingdepression and acceptanceplease, please, pleasedo yourself a favorand run as far away from that personas fast as you can.That “expert”does not know grief.Not really.Grief is the internal, automatic response to loss.Everyone grieves. Everyone.If you are alive and have attached to anything.Anything.A job.A pet.Your health.Your looks.Your house.A person.A certain lifestyle.Your car.Anything.If you have attached to somethingand you lose that somethingyou grieve.Automatic.Internal.And as much as I’d like to tell you that grief will beorderlyneat and tidypredictableand unfold in 5 stages,it will not.Period.Grief is wild,and messyand unpredictableand uncertainand ever-changing and unsettlingand unnerving.Most of us (all of us)are ill-preparedand ill-equippedto go with the flow of griefwhen it is our timebecausewe never talk about it.What it’s like to live with grief.So when grief does expresses itselfin the often surprisingand confusing ways it does,when all we want to do is sleepor we can’t sleep at all,when we eat and eat and eat,or have completely lost our appetite(and wonder if we've lost our mind).When we feelangryconfusedsadanxiousdesperatefrightenedlonelynauseousnumbdazeddizzy(to name just a few of the ways grief expresses itself)seemingly at the same time.We are experiencing grief.And when our arms physically ache to hold our beloved,when we have heart palpitations,stomach pains,and fight to keep our balance,we are experiencing grief.We think we are going crazy.We are not.We have entered the wilderness of grief.And in order to get outwe must go through.Period.
Replies
WOW. I purchased EKR\'s On Death and Dying and have not yet even opened it... maybe for a reason? Thank you. There is no order to life... wilderness for sure. PERIOD.
yup...period!
EKR never lost a child...What could she possibly know that we do not? She was nothing but a highly educated psychiatrist.
Very well spoken!
Yep!! I agree. Period!!!
That\'s perfect - says it all. Thanks! No-one in life can presume to know what some-one has gone through until they themselves have had the same experience, that\'s for sure. Joanna x
That is so well said!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I love this!
...\"Most of us (all of us)
are ill-prepared
and ill-equipped
to go with the flow of grief
when it is our time
because
we never talk about it.\"
Well, we don\'t talk about it...because everyone else (except those that have also suffered a loss) are so uncomfortable with us when we DO try to share our experiences!...It\'s a real round- robin kind of problem actually...People are fearful that severe loss is CONTAGIOUS...It\'s such a shame, too, because it only took someone --just willing to listen--to help ease my burden for a few minutes...(the less THEY said the better lol --just listening was far preferable!)
Thanks for sharing, Sarah--hope you\'re doing well these days! Love, Donna
Wonderful -- totally agree.
Hugs,
Terry
It is indeed a wilderness filled with lions and tigers and bears... Oh, my! Dorothy knew a lot from that land of Oz and this is so affirming to read.
I think \"crazy\" is when I don\'t feel these things because this loss is unimaginable.
Thank you for sharing dear Sarah and hope all goes well in your part of the wilderness. Thank goodness for machetes and the ability to strip away some of the chaos and debris to find another traveler in the wilderness with me.
With love and gratitude for your sharing.
XO Joanie
Brilliant! Thank you so much for sharing this!
I have heard EKR speak. She described the feelings - I have felt all of them except acceptance. Yes, grief is messy; it is not neat and orderly. My understanding was that Kubler-Ross was describing it from the dying person\'s point of view and it has somehow expanded to those who are grieving loss. I guess I admire her, despite the flaws in her theory, because she brought death out of the closet. My mom died at the age of 59. When we asked the doctor point blank if she was dying (in my heart I knew) he said \"No, she has pneumonia\", Nobody would talk about it. As a new RN, I was taught not to show emotion. The father of an acquaintance died on my shift. I did not hug her. I did not cry with her. I made some inane comment that I no longer remember. The whole idea was that you get on with life and don\'t talk about it. How cold I must have seemed. Now, I hug family members, I shed tears with them and I remind them that it is okay to cry, yell, pound pillows etc.
So, although she may be off base in some respects, she brought dying out of the closet so to speak, and taught me that it is okay to feel all those feelings.
Thanks for sharing. It made me think.
Love and hugs, Marlene
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THIS!!!
This is one I\'ll be printing and sharing with others!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
Exactly!