today

So today is a throw away day.  Got back and my house is basically trashed, but not a big deal.  I will clean it up.  I needed to do stuff for my visa, and sure enough there was a glitch at the office and it screwed up all my timing of my following meetings and I ended up making one of the ladies who works for my visa agency wait an hour because of the glitch+of course I got lost on my way to the other office.  I almost lost my cool again and was on the verge of bawling when i was lost.  it's that terrible firey force in my chest that feels like it's going to eat me alive unless i erupt in tears or screams.  whatever, i found the place.

 earlier at the visa office i actually got angry about the glitch and sort of yelled when i was leaving and acted rather rude.  i'm usually not like that.  and making the lady from my visa agency wait sucked--mind you i've already blown off responsibilities with my visa and lied about being sick, about three times now, due to my alcohol binges.  i volunteer teaching english a couple times a month for this visa and also pay money to a scholarship fund.  luckily when i teach i do a great job, last week i taught and the thai teacher was like "WOW!!! please come back every week!!" and also texted my visa agency head to say what a good job i did.  thankful for that.  i mean, duh, i got trained to teach english and have worked with kids my whole life.  i actually do like teaching now and again.  but some of the other people on this visa are just techies or don't even speak english as their first language so they really have no idea how to teach.  at least i have that going for me.

  of course i have to go the visa office all the time and sign shit tons of paperwork.  i can't help but think of how stupid and wasteful all this bullshit is, literally just the paper teh waste on me signing me name on documents i don't even understand and the endless copies of my passport they must have......like i bet i've used up a couple trees just on this bullshit.  sure, i understand that we need accountability....if someone enters another country and is undcomented and then commits a crime, it would be impossible to track.  so it's basically because of one bad apple we have this inane endless red tape.  and of course about money, getting money from foreigners.  the beaurcratic gang that is the goverment.  whatever.  my mind is just way too cynical.  i think life is pretty stupid most of the time.  working working working......for what???  ok, this is just today talking and me venting this negative energy.  i have to go back to the visa office for who knows how long in an hour, and then teach for 2 hours tonight.  i'm still feeling low energy from sleeping terribly and also had so many weird dreams, all culminating in peoiple stealing my stuff from me.  

i want to start gardening here.  if i'm so against money i need to really invest in learning how to be sustainable.  i think everything is goign to be ok.  today i will actually secure a visa for a whole other year.  then i will teach and also after teaching i will clean my house.  tomorrow i odn't have to teach and will be back to full energy, i'm sure, so i will use that time to do yoga and restock my fridge with veggies and herb juices and also go on a hike.  i went to one of my favorite temples today, so i can't be mad about that.  

just writing this for myself, don't mind me!  i'm probably going to be journaling on here a lot.  so glad this binge is over.  WOOT may this be my final lesson....what did i learn?  boys are bad for me....and a red flag can come in the form of being overly affectionate too soon.  that's a red flag.  i'm really happy to have this closure.  and yes, once i get my sober life in order and start doing my thing, i'm sure the right people will come into my life.