times goes on ....

I'he read a lot lately in different groups I'm a member of for moms ...parents who have had a child die. We all know its a terrible pain and a void that never seems to be filled. Very early on this journey I allowed anger to consume me. It was easier to be angry than to face reality. I was lucky because I had amazing friends who helped me even in those bleak times. I don't know how or even from where it came but I found enough light to realize this horrible happening wasn't done " to me". I was there ...I was involved but it wasn't done to me. I forgave those I was angry at for the turn of events. Randy Lee's dad ... his grandma ...his friends ....even God. It was easier for me to see through the fog they weren't at fault. Self forgiveness wasn't as easy. I mean ...I'm his mom ...the one who should fix everything ....the one who failed at that. I read about all these moms sad they won't get to see their child marry ...have kids ...succeed ...standing back watching their friends living a life they wanted for their child. Don't get me wrong ....I so wanted that for Randy Lee. Would I change it knowing someone else would be in my shoes? Honestly I'd like to say the honorable thing and say I wouldn't do that to another but I'd have my son back in a heartbeat. Honestly I think he'd be the person who would say " let my friend go on .... take me instead" he was just a good, selfless person. I know I'm blessed for people my Randy Lee brought to my life. My bonus son who I stand back in awe seeing the changes he made and the person he has become. I'm thankful he includes me in his life, celebrations and milestones. Its bittersweet but I know Randy Lee orchestrated that chance meeting. I still have so much I wish I could share with him. So much I wish I had said one more time. Was it a life lost? A life cut short? It was. Was it a wasted life? A life without joy? No ...it wasn't. I try with all my might to hold on to who he was ... a loving, sweet, kind hearted young man that not only touched so many in those 18 yes but left behind a piece of that kindness with those of us who loved him. I still miss you each moment of each day...I still pray for your signs from beyond ...ache to hear your voice ...and thank God for the opportunity to be your mom. For those moms out there blessed w/ grandkids of their child passed I pray the parent left realizes that no one can be loved too much ... no one can have too much family and that they are blessed with that child in their arms because of the child you no longer have in yours. Xoxoxo