Time is flowing like a river and I want it to stand still...
Moms first memorial Mass was on Thursday, September 22 at St. Maria Goretti's. There was a nice turn out...35-40 people, and that was just from being here a few short years...I am sure our SF "tour" will yield more people from our past, and swell my heart like an ocean of emotions...and make me burst.
My inlaws arrived to help us mourn. My mother in law arrived the day before the service and well she was so sweet to come and bust her self for such a short trip in order to pay her respects to my mom...I am in awe, and I am also tired, and unable to show my gratitude in hanging out with them, or eating many meals with them, because things seem trivial, and food has no taste for me right now. I am shut down.
I was at Mass earlier tonight and I wanted to sob out loud. I look around me and I see a new world, one I didn't ask for, one that I have no choice but to sign up for now and belong. It is my job to say YES to God...as Mary said yes....but in a much smaller way of course - I am merely a servant and in my servitude, I am inheriting my brother who is 50 and cannot live alone. He is brain damaged and the sweetest person in the world. We never really knew each other because my mom wanted me to go and have my life, live and be 'free' and she opened her heart and life to the care of my brother, selflessly - and now it is my turn to be his person on the earth...and I have help. My husband and my daughter are completely resigned to loving me, and loving him. How did I get so lucky?
The gifts of death are spectacular. The gifts my mom's death is bestowing is so profound. Her favorite priest, her dear friend, Fr. Thomas came into my life a few short days ago and I feel as if he is my brother. He is so clean and aligned with this world and the ethereal. I am in awe of this new, deep friendship. I can't wait to see him again when we go to Sausalito to finish mom's journey to Timothy, to his crypt...so their remains will be together...after all these years.
I have no idea where my life is going...I just see it as not my choice, but my lot. I just hope I can live up to this new lot...and that God will help us recognize He is in all we do and are...and garner our strength from Him.
Mom I feel you but I cannot see you, please come to me in a dream...please make your promise to me known...that you will be here when it is my turn to die, to leave this world...please come for me...take me by the hand and lead me from my body when it fails me.
Thanks for letting me vent.
My inlaws arrived to help us mourn. My mother in law arrived the day before the service and well she was so sweet to come and bust her self for such a short trip in order to pay her respects to my mom...I am in awe, and I am also tired, and unable to show my gratitude in hanging out with them, or eating many meals with them, because things seem trivial, and food has no taste for me right now. I am shut down.
I was at Mass earlier tonight and I wanted to sob out loud. I look around me and I see a new world, one I didn't ask for, one that I have no choice but to sign up for now and belong. It is my job to say YES to God...as Mary said yes....but in a much smaller way of course - I am merely a servant and in my servitude, I am inheriting my brother who is 50 and cannot live alone. He is brain damaged and the sweetest person in the world. We never really knew each other because my mom wanted me to go and have my life, live and be 'free' and she opened her heart and life to the care of my brother, selflessly - and now it is my turn to be his person on the earth...and I have help. My husband and my daughter are completely resigned to loving me, and loving him. How did I get so lucky?
The gifts of death are spectacular. The gifts my mom's death is bestowing is so profound. Her favorite priest, her dear friend, Fr. Thomas came into my life a few short days ago and I feel as if he is my brother. He is so clean and aligned with this world and the ethereal. I am in awe of this new, deep friendship. I can't wait to see him again when we go to Sausalito to finish mom's journey to Timothy, to his crypt...so their remains will be together...after all these years.
I have no idea where my life is going...I just see it as not my choice, but my lot. I just hope I can live up to this new lot...and that God will help us recognize He is in all we do and are...and garner our strength from Him.
Mom I feel you but I cannot see you, please come to me in a dream...please make your promise to me known...that you will be here when it is my turn to die, to leave this world...please come for me...take me by the hand and lead me from my body when it fails me.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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